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Just when I close my eyes...
Just when I decide I will take over my life, when I decide it can't hurt me anymore than it did that night, I’ll walk over to the bed and lay down. I'll remember all the shit that you handed out to me, the night, which it happened, and you crawled through my bedroom window "just to say hi". I'll get under the covers nice and snug to settle down. I'll hear a noise out side and my heart will beat faster and faster until i have to tell myself that it was just the wind. I’ll close my eyes and try to go to sleep. That’s when it all comes flooding back. How you said you loved me and how you would never do anything to hurt me. How you said if I loved you I would prove it. I was just a kid, what was i supposed to say? No? Would it have just gotten more violent then?
Everything was always a lie with you. There was no truth in your eyes, even when you said to me afterwards that it was all physical. You weren't on the other side of the fence. You didn't have the holy hell scared out of you with some one whom you thought you loved demand for sex. It was all so terrible, you didn't have to go through therapy with the same annoying person ask you how it made you feel to have been raped.
I have to tell myself that your behind bars now, for treating little girls that way, which is sick, but it never helps. I have to get up out of bed and make sure every window and door is locked. i have to make sure there is always lights on in the dorm. Always. Always never seems like a long time until you have a whole month of sleepless nights.
Roommates always say that no one can get me while they are there. But wasn’t my parent’s room just across the hall? And my sister’s next door? Nothing is ever safe. My question is, how did you know that they were all out for the night? I never said anything to you, never dropped any hints, I wasn’t ready and I knew I wasn’t. I had even told you so, many times when I thought you were just playing around, but now, looking back at it, you were being serious. Yet you still
I can't do it; I can't go back to living the normal teenage life that I was so ungrateful for. I can't go to parties, and I don't spend then night anywhere other than at my family’s house thinking that you’re right out there waiting for me to drift to sleep. i wish you to hell and back again. For what you did to me, robbing me of my childhood innocence. Just when I close my eyes, i see that horrible grin that you made when you said you loved me. |
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Posted by livingfornothing on 2007-12-17 03:13:56 | Rating: | Views: 53
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Wow..This is really deep.....I wasn't raped but I was sexually abused and I know what you mean with the worryin and everything...WHen anyone tries to hold me down just joking..I start crying and freak out..>Idk...Best of wishes to you...Seriously...Because that does do a lifetime of changing & hurt.
Peace and love
kayla ann
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Posted by sacrificedangel
on 2008-01-10 09:49:54
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