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I am not in control of myself. Sometimes I just lose it, or are so on the verge of losing it I'm terrified.
I had to grip so hard around the leg of the desk, I have small gashes where my nails dug into my palm and bled. It was out of anger this time. There is very little I can do besides breathe in and out and hope for the best. I haven't lost it in front of anybody yet, I try to save it when I'm alone.
Why is it so hard to understand that when someone needs to be left alone, they need to be left alone? I can ask over and over again that I need some quiet, because I'm "tired", and then when I get so frustrated and start yelling, I'm the bad one. Well, I may be, but is it really so hard to say "Oh, okay." and leave me alone?
And I almost told today, told someone that I was feeling like crap, that I couldn't take it here anymore, that I hated it here. But I settled for the knotting sensation in my throat as I "slept" and tried not to cry and tell. My throat is sore now.
My grades
Have been dropping
Progressively lower.
According to my math teacher, who says that my mid-quarter grade is at a D+. I've been saved by people's ignorance, according to most television shows and movies, dropping grades are a red flag that something is wrong. I blamed it on television instead. So as far as my mother knows, I'm just some whiney brat who doesn't study. So she's decided to take away my social life. I couldn't have planned this better.
A reason to isolate myself, a solid reason why I don't hang out with any one.
It is so hard to keep moving on, going foward. When everyone is asking for more when you're already giving all you can, it gets harder. I guess the studying I do gets lost in other things, like the constant battle not to hurt myself, or others. So I will try harder. I will not be falling apart in front of any one, I will make everything look okay. As best I can. People can just think I'm moody and disagreeable. That's fine with me. It's better this way. |
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Posted by lingeringmemory on 2008-03-26 21:35:17 | Rating: | Views: 106
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very sad
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Posted by pacman007
on 2008-03-27 02:16:23
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