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Is there a point for trying so hard, working so hard, moving foward so quickly? We all try so hard, just to die in the end. All of the experiences, moments, ideas, magnificent creations, disasterous mistakes, are gone when we die. And the people around you will be said, but that's gone when they get over it or die. Is life just neverending cycle of mourning over a death? I'm not saying I want to up and kill myself. But I am tired of trying so hard in a pointless life.
I don't want to bring anyone's day down. But I'm really just confused, and tired. I broke my streak and cut myself. Not alot, not very deep. But it wasn't satisfying. I'm worried that I might get lost, and hurt everyone more...
I have an art project that was assigned. My theme is going to be teen SI and depression. So I took out some books. I hadn't meant to actually read them, but I did. I don't want to seem fake, but some of the symptoms I recognized from my behavior. Breaking off of friendships, increased sleeping, long periods of low (My longest lasted a month or two), irratibility, thoughts of suicide...
I think my mother thinks I'm okay, that I was just going through a few bad stretches in life. I'm afraid I'm losing control, and I don't want to ask for help. I'm afraid she'll think I'm being dramatic, or making everything up. Like she'll think that I read something in a book and started acting like that. When, in truth, I read the symptom list for Major Depressive Disorder, and than I read a sample situation, and then I threw it away from me. I don't want to have a disorder. I miss when I was just happy, when everything was okay.
I miss what it felt like to be able to say "This is why I'm living." or "I'm glad I'm alive". I don't want you readers to worry, honest. I'm sure there are more important cases needing your undivided care. I am living now, and I am searching for a reason to continue...
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If you can't talk to your mom about how you feel, find someone else who you can trust - a teacher, a friend, someone else on this site. It is normal to ask "why" about life, just don't let it eat you up.
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Posted by HungryHeart
on 2008-04-16 01:10:42
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Wow...I wish I could give you a hug right now.
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Posted by nrsratchett
on 2008-04-16 04:59:06
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Talking doesn't do anything for me, I can't ever get out what I have to say. This blog is my companion. I've spoken to my mother, she thinks it's a silly phase. I've given up on telling a friend, it's all the same. Either they shun me, tell people, or demand I stop. It's not that simple. Right now, I just don't feel ready, or motivated to talk to anyone but this blog...
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Posted by lingeringmemory
on 2008-04-16 16:13:11
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If you need someone, I'm here to talk. I've been where you are, and am BARELY alive today. I still wish that i was dead, but never feel the urge to end my life myself. It's so hard to go through all that emotional pain yourself. This blog is a great way to express your feelings, and expressing your feelings is a part to recovery. I seem to see that you aren't a religious person. Not trying to push my religion on you, but do u go to church? When I was like you, I believed in no religion, and had no reason to live. But, now thats changed I found a savior, and have a reason to live. You may not find a savior, but another reason to live.
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Posted by louddrums93
on 2008-06-24 14:30:27
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If you need someone, I'm here to talk. I've been where you are, and am BARELY alive today. I still wish that i was dead, but never feel the urge to end my life myself. It's so hard to go through all that emotional pain yourself. This blog is a great way to express your feelings, and expressing your feelings is a part to recovery. I seem to see that you aren't a religious person. Not trying to push my religion on you, but do u go to church? When I was like you, I believed in no religion, and had no reason to live. But, now thats changed I found a savior, and have a reason to live. You may not find a savior, but another reason to live.
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Posted by louddrums93
on 2008-06-24 14:30:31
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| Views: 117
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