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| I'm Just Crazy. Plain and Simple
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When I'm not cutting myself, I'm off being an idiot or a cold-hearted bitch. Why? Because I'm trying to stop cutting. But it isn't working. It makes me crazy. Well, not crazy to myself. But it's the sick part of me that leaks out that should stay hidden away. And I can't help it, thoughts just turn into words and suddenly I'm spiraling out of control in anger.
I am not compassionate. I am cold, not all the way through but pretty fucking cold. Because if I pity one situation, I have to pity all of the ones like it. I don't have enough mind space for that. I can live with myself, just bearly on a normal basis. But when I have people telling me what's wrong with me, I can't help but laugh. Because they're right, and that's funny to me. Because they are telling me things I already know. And that turns into denial, which turns to hatred etc. etc....
I'm not perfect. None of us are perfect. So stop pointing out my flaws, because you have them too.
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| Blog Comments
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Man, powerful. I'm there, believe me.
Why do you cut? I do it because it takes focus and concentration, thus it blocks out the pain, the insanity, the hurt.
You're not wrong, or bad, or anything negative. We all are made in God's image. The dark side that comes out isn't really us, it's a little demon in the form of depression. That demon is about the most insidious and tireless force I've encountered. It never gives up. Even when you win a major victory over it, it stays hidden and bides it's time waiting to rear it's ugly head again.
Our task is to battle it with every means at our disposal.
Each time I go through this it takes a while to find out what works FOR me against the beast in this specific instance. It's never the same and it's always hard to find. I always crave someone to cry out to for help. I've learned that only gives it strength.
At it's root I think it's a form of self pity. Yet it's so alluring it's hard to resist.
The really, really hard thing is to find what's good inside you and embrace it, recognise it, credit it and value it.
Don't tell me there's no good in you - there's good in everyone. The challenge is to find it and feed it while denying the dark side so that the positive grows stronger and the negative grows weaker. IT has helped me in the past to start with the good in the world around me, trees, frsh cut grass, the sun and sky, a warm breeze, then use the strength and comfort of that good to feed the good that's in me.
I know it's not easy. I've been fighting that battle for years and years and still haven't won.
Please, if you really start to feel and think desperate thoughts, to contemplate insane actions, contact me and let's talk.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-04-11 20:21:10
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I have alternate threory's on why we're here, other than a god... I am wrong. I am bad. I am negative. And I deal. Cutting doesn't make me happy, or help me, or do anything other than cause complications. It punishes, and it serves as a path that traces how I got to today, and tells the people who observe enough that I have a story too.
My cutting doesn't block anything out. It is a reminder I think. There is good in me, I know it's there. I have embraced some good in me too.
I admire the natural world, I am more at home there than at my current residence.
There is a conflict in my head right now, it's kind of hard to sift through it and find statements of meaning... but this blog is my human companionship, it is the only one I want.
Thank you for your concern, I mean it. It is nice to know there is someone out there. Anyone at all.
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Posted by lingeringmemory
on 2008-04-11 20:34:51
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Well don't forget it because it's genuine. I hate like hell to see anyone hurt because of this shit. I do it enough and know the agony, the aloneness (and loneliness, they are different), the longing to cease to exist, to have never been. I know the struggle it takes for me to fight it and the feeling of absolute insanity. I don't think I go through a day without reiterating that I'm nuts, and not an entire week without hitting myself in the face, burning my arms with cigarettes, banging my head on the wall, etc.
I have no answers for anyone but myself, I think the answers are different for all of us, but since starting my blog I've learned I'm not alone in my insanity. Neither are you.
If I can help by being an ear or even a target then it helps me in the process. And sometimes that all I can hope for.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-04-11 23:16:49
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stop listening to the negative things and start thinking about all the positive things you have going for you. If you feel so low, that you cant even think of one, I can, you are breathing and you can write and someday you might be able to describe how you are feeling to someone else who feels this way. No one understand better than you. This blog is a good record of your thoughts at this sad time in your life, but its only temporary. You will be all better and feeling good about yourself someday, trust me and think of all the people you could help.
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Posted by roe
on 2008-05-04 22:29:27
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| Views: 66
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