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I cut. Not just cut, carved. A word. Into my arm again. I know everyone else already knows my flaws, they point them out all the time. So why do I feel the need to carve them into me?
In a sick, twisted way I like the scars. I like watching myself bleed, and I like seeing the scars. A constant reminder of how I fucked up. I really don't feel like doing anything with myself. I want to go to sleep, and fade away and be rid of this fucking misery. There is no hope, there is no future. I'm so tired of trying so hard in my classes.
I've been handing in bullshit work because I'm too sick of myself to try harder. Grades are the least of my worries. What about the constant struggle between my emotions, my self-hatred, and the struggle it is just to make it to the bus. I'm not making excuses for why I hand in shitty work, I'm just explaining partially why I've stopped trying. The other reason is because I'm lazy and stupid. That's all. I'm going to bed soon. It's only 7:30, but I have nothing better to do with my life.
I've realized something, and I know I've said it before... I don't want to waste my life working, working, working just to die. What's the point? There is no guarantee I'll feel content when I finish highschool and college. What's the point? There is so much death, both deserved and undeserved, around me. How am I supposed to keep a positive attitude with all the wrong going on?
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I was just reading random blogs, when I came across yours. I mean, I swear every single blog i've read today reminded me of my elemetry school years. I mean, I heard people say 'why don't you just kill yourself then?' and maybe it's because you don't want to hurt the people around you. Maybe it's just worth seeing what's going to happen next. Maybe people really should just look at the bright sides of things, I mean... There's no brightside to the darkside, right? Or is there something in the darkside worth seeing...
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Posted by Emmenger
on 2008-04-28 19:12:48
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Love, my old friend used to think and do the same. And, as much as you've probably heard this before, it HURTS the people that care about you the most. It hurts to watch people hurt themselves. I've lost a friend to suicide, and it hurt. Alot. I've lost friends because I'm totally against cutting, 100%. But I guess I can't understand your pain. If you ever want to talk, please, feel free to e-mail me. =D
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Posted by insidemyemptyhead
on 2008-04-28 19:54:28
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I know how you feel. This is how I feel sometimes. Life can suck so much at times. Sometimes I feel like just giving up. I do all this stuff try to be positive. For what? Nothing. Im worthless.
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Posted by Jasmine16
on 2008-05-21 09:38:31
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I know how u feel. I don't cut but I pull out my hair, its similiar to cutting but in a biological kind of way. I try to be positive but its so hard. I been slacking off in school, I am getting C's instead of A's. I feel lazy also. i also want to sleep and die. I am a very weird and ulgy person to be around. I don't even know why I manage to NOT kill myself, I guess its because I have faith that things will get better. But sometimes I just want to die.
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Posted by Plakola
on 2008-05-21 16:30:13
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i been there i hope you stop thought you maty like it now but a few years hell even days down the road ou may regrete it iv had friends take something like cutting to the extrema and it isn easy to deal with trust me ~ good luck and love
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Posted by werebait
on 2008-05-28 10:53:52
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