I don't know how many of you reading this have felt this way, if you haven't you're lucky.

It's like feeling completely out of control, but still having to maintain being calm, and good, and polite.
Like you want to shut everything out but there are just too many things to do, too many people talking to you.
You want to get lost, be alone, and at the same time you want someone to hear you, to tell you it's okay.
But you know inside you are not okay, you feel stupid, pathetic, wrong and weak. And you are bombarded with so many feelings that you are out of control and don't know what to do with yourself.
You push people away, with anger, anti-socialness, or rudeness; to save yourself and protect them.
You think you're a monster, every little mistake eats at you, tears you apart.

So you make one little cut. It all started with needing to be heard, but now it's something more. Now it's because you're unworthy. You keep them covered, trying so hard not to hurt your friends or family again. Each time it means something more, sometimes there are lots of little ones, sometimes they're deeper, and sometimes you carve words into yourself to remind you of your faults.

And then one day, you've lost your safety pin, or your exact-o knife and you really just can't take it anymore. So you hit yourself again and again. First with your fists, then with objects. Belts, books, anything hard. You're spiraling downward into a cycle of self-injury.

Then you get the running away or suicide ideas. Sometimes they're spontaneous, sometimes they're planned. You lose your temper with a member of your family, you pack a bag and scrape up any money you have. You sit watching a train go by, and you wonder if it would hurt much to just jump into it, or if it would kill you instantly. And then you're sitting in public shaking uncontrolably at the idea. And you find yourself thinking morbid thoughts all the time, sometimes of hurting yourself and sometimes of hurting others.

You feel even worse for thinking like that, and think "what the hell is wrong with me?". And one day you are so sore, so sick of feeling bad, and so sick of living you honestly don't even want to get up and do anything with yourself. People around you don't understand, some think you do it for attention. You want the opposite, you want to be left alone. Just be able to fade away and live life invisible, because it might just be easier wallowing in your own pathetic misery than letting other know how you feel.

Yeah, this is just a combination of things I feel every now and then, and things I feel everyday...