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| Statistics |
| Profile Views: |
222 |
| Friends: |
0 |
| Files: |
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| Last Update: |
2008-07-02 |
| Signup Date: |
2008-03-21 |
| Rating: |
N/A (info)
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| Activity points: |
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| Total Posts |
1 |
| Refferals |
0 |
| Last Forum Activity |
2008-03-23 10:16:58 PM |
| Forum Rank |
Junior Member |
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| Personal Information |
| Name |
Emily(Eme) Black
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| Birthday |
1992-08-27 |
Send a private message to lingeringmemory |
| Gender |
Female |
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| Orientation |
Bisexual |
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| Relationship Status |
Unspecified |
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| Religion |
Unspecified |
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| Location |
New York
United States |
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| About Me |
| About Me |
I am not some hormonal teenager, with nothing better to do then type at people. I am not some "emo" who wants people to pay attention to her so she carves her ex-boyfriends name onto her hand so everyone can see.
I am lost in a world, that is moving too fast for me. Hours, Days, pass by like Seconds and Minutes. It is a constant battle, between trying to be the girl who is happy, who makes people laugh no matter what the cost, and the girl who is in chaos in her own mind.
Waves of anger, and pain, and hatred wash over and over me so quickly, so violently it gets harder and harder each day to smile, to talk. I don't want to smile and talk. I want to be left alone. I want to fade away, invisible. I want to be just another face in the crowd to everyone. Just someone who's there, and gone. A blur.
I don't feel horrible all the time, but there is alway a slight shadow over my thoughts.
I'm a cutter. Occasionally I will beat myself when I've completely lost it. It's about control. It's about being able to hurt myself, and have some satisfaction that I've punished my self, some that I'm still alive, and some that I am controlling the pain I feel. I could never burn myself on purpose, the lack of controll is frightening.
Not, however, as frightening it is to lose it, to break down and be so incredibly angry I'm shaking and hitting myself trying to make it go away.
Why am I ranting? Because I need to be heard to save my own sanity. I am replacing human companionship with a screen, and it's working just fine. |
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| Recent blog comments |
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Talking doesn't do anything for me, I can't ever get out what I have to say. This blog is my companion. I've spoken to my mother, she thinks it's a silly phase. I've given up on telling a friend, it's all the same. Either they shun me, tell people, or demand I stop. It's not that simple. Right now, I just don't feel ready, or motivated to talk to anyone but this blog... (posted in
Is there a point?)
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I have alternate threory's on why we're here, other than a god... I am wrong. I am bad. I am negative. And I deal. Cutting doesn't make me happy, or help me, or do anything other than cause complications. It punishes, and it serves as a path that traces how I got to today, and tells the people who observe enough that I have a story too.
My cutting doesn't block anything out. It is a reminder I think. There is good in me, I know it's there. I have embraced some good in me too.
I admire the natural world, I am more at home there than at my current residence.
There is a conflict in my head right now, it's kind of hard to sift through it and find statements of meaning... but this blog is my human companionship, it is the only one I want.
Thank you for your concern, I mean it. It is nice to know there is someone out there. Anyone at all. (posted in
I'm Just Crazy. Plain and Simple)
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Complicated thoughts provoked by one little question. There are so many things I would rather hear, like just the sound of nature. Even the sound of my own thoughts, uninterupted by other noises would suit me fine. (posted in
Headaches and trespassing.)
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