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| tis true, i like the pain
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i've realised something lately.
i guess it's because i've beeen having a fair few 'confrontations' with my parents. (i do not live with them, however i do work with them two days a week).
in the past, whenever i have had some sort of disagreement with them, it will either end up with me in tears hiding somewhere (not actually hiding, more often i have gone and sat outside somewhere where they can't see me) or i will suck it up just so i don't have to argue with them any more. or otherwise i'll walk off and go home and then the next day we won't speak about it and pretend everything is fine (which then makes everything boil over for the next time...)
anyway.
so i have noticed that lately, well... lately i have had a different reaction. the first set of reactions i suppose are pretty normal, but very different for me, i guess you would say i have become more confrontational and assertive rather than submissive and a smoother-over-er. so i have been getting the jaw clenching, yelling, a pounding in my head, basically me taking a stand, i guess you could say.
the second reaction to all this is that instead of me simmering for awhile, maybe crying somewhere, etc, my first thought is to get out there on the beach and go for a run/walk. of course it does little to calm me, because the events will keep rolling over and over in my head, but it does help me sort out the events and think things through a little, and helps me get some aggression out. (oh, i wish i could afford a punching bag...)
the third and last reaction has shocked me a little.
for some reason the thought of getting more tattoos has popped up in my head.
why? you ask? why is that such a big deal?
well, for me, a tattoo feels much like self harming (which it is, i guess, yet it is also artwork). it has the same feel to it as sliding some broken glass over your skin. i have talked with another friend and she agreed it does feel much like it to her as well.
and yet i haven't really thought about it that much, will it offer the same release?
why do i feel the need to self harm after an argument? i guess it is an outlet of anger.
i do think i would like to keep tattooing as far away emotionally as i can from self harm.
it is difficult to describe why.
suddenly getting that punching bag seems a justified expense on the credit card...
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Posted by lifeproof on 2008-04-06 06:32:58 | Rating: | Views: 57
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