Scene: A bar
Personnae: Sam and Joe
Sound: Throughout, faint occasional background conversation; clinks of glases, door opening, closing; distant bits of traffic
Sam: Hi Joe --
Joe: Hi Sam, how're you doing?
Sam: OK. How 'bout you? You look kinda down --
Joe: Aw...it's female problems --
Sam: You should call my cousin Mort --
Joe: Why?
Sam: He's a gynecologist.
Joe: Problems with females, Sam.
Sam: Oh, I get it. (pause) Your fiancee?
Joe: Who else?
Sam: Whatsa matter?
Joe: I don't know -- it's just -- well, she's been acting, like, a little peculiar lately --
Sam: So? She's pregnant. Women get crazy when they're pregnant --
Joe: Tell me about it --
Sam: My Marge made me give her all kinds of lime jello --
Joe: What's crazy about lime jello?
Sam: With barbeque sauce?
Joe: That's crazy --
Sam: Damn right! Barbeque sauce is much better with butterscotch pudding --
Joe: My problem's worse --
Sam: Worse than barbequed jello?
Joe: Oh yeah. She says...she says the baby's not mine --
(shocked pause)
Sam: Not yours? Aw, gee, Joe --
Joe: Yeah.
Sam: I mean...did she say whose it is?
Joe: You won't believe it --
Sam: Try me.
Joe: She says...it's the Big Guy's.
Sam: You're kiddin'!
Joe: I wish I was.
Sam: I didn't even know she knew the Big Guy.!
Joe: Me neither.
Sam: Wait a sec! You two are togegther every friggin' minute, and when you're not, she's home with her folks. When did she find the time?
Joe: That's the weird part. She says -- she says it happened in her sleep.
Sam: In her --? You mean, the Big Guy snuck into her bedroom in the middle of the night and --
Joe: She says...it happened while she was dreaming.
(pause)
Sam: Hoo boy.
Joe: Yeah.
Sam: So now she says the Big Guy snuck into her dream in the middle of the night, and --
Joe: Actually, she says it wasn't him --
Sam: Oh, well now, that's --
Joe: It was one of his...associates --
(pause)
Sam: Hoo boy!
Joe: You said it. And, would you believe, she claims they never actually...you know--
Sam: Hmm. Um, any...family history of, say, mental illness?
Joe: Look, buddy, that's my fiancee you're talking about! -- You really think she's nuts?
(pause)
Sam: Maybe she should talk to my cousin Milt --
Joe: Why?
Sam: He listens.
Joe: Big deal. So does anyone with ears --
Sam: People pay him to listen. No kidding! 'Course, first he gets you to lie down on a couch in front of him, so I'm a tad suspicious --
Joe: Forget it, then. She's had enough lying down lately --
Sam: Maybe a priest? --
Joe: I thought of that. I might have to --
Sam: Or you could talk to the Big Guy himself --
Joe: Like that's going to happen --
Sam: Couldn't hurt --
Joe: Oh yes it could. The last man who crossed the Big Guy ended up in a major world of hurt.
Sam: (nervous whisper) I heard about him -- wasn't his name Job?
Joe: Dunno. Just heart that the Big Guy put him through hell physically, then went after his family --
Sam: That man musta done something awful --
Joe: Actually, I heard the Big Guy did it on a bet --
(pause)
Sam: So talking's out.
Joe: Talking's out.
Sam: And it's back to the priest.
Joe: The thing is, even a priest may not be enough --
Sam: Don't tell me there's more --
Joe: Too late. There's more.
Sam: HOO boy!!
Joe: She says there's something going on with the kid --
Sam: Oh no, Joe, the kid's gonna be all right -- right?
Joe: Naw, it's not that. And by the way, she says it's a boy --
Sam: So now she's psychic?
Joe: Says the Big Guy's guy told her.
Sam: That figures.
Joe: Sam, she says the kid's going to be...special.
Sam: Special. Special how? Has he got two heads? Twelve toes? A four foot shlong? Now that'd be special! --
Joe: She says he's going to be...king.
Sam: King??
Joe: King.
Sam: We don't even have a king!
Joe: That's what I told her --
Sam: King? What, he couldn't settle for being an attorney at law? A lousy dentist, maybe? For that matter, what's wrong with his taking after you?
Joe: Don't ask me, I'm not the one who's crackers!
(pause)
Sam: So what you gonna do?
Joe: I don't know. Either she's wacko or I've got horns on my head the size of tubas.
Sam: It's tough....The engagement's off, I'm figuring --
Joe: Not according to her --
Sam: Huh?
Joe: She still wants to go through with the wedding --
Sam: I don't believe it --
Joe: Some wedding it's going to be, huh? We're all lovey-dovey, saying our vows, with her mother holding the kid in a basket and the entire congregation whispering about who the father really is! (pause) I could just die --
Sam: So call it off!
Joe: I wish I could. She says, the Big Guy wants me involved with this kid, and that he'll be pissed if I'm not.
Sam: Oh. (pause) Well. (pause) That's different.
Joe: So, in a few months, Mary and I get hitched whether no matter how I feel about it.
Sam: That bites, Joe --
Joe: Yeah --
(depressed pause)
Sam: (forced cheeriness) But look, Joe, it can't be as bad as it sounds --
Joe: Sure, sure.
Sam: No lie. I mean, has she ever acted like this before?
Joe: Well, not really, no --
Sam: And you two were OK before she got knocked up --
Joe: Oh yeah. (chuckles) Otherwise, she wouldn't be knocked up!
(both laugh)
Sam: So it's gotta be the pregnacy!
Joe: What do you mean?
Sam: That's making her crazy! All those hormones, her body's changing all over the place -- plus, she's getting married soon! No wonder she's talking goofy!
Joe: You think?
Sam: Can't be nothing else. Look: she's saying that in the night, while she was sleeping, some one of the Big Guy's henchmen, some foot soldier, shows up and tells her the kid is actually the Big Guy's, even though they've never been together, and not only that, the kid is gonna grow up to be king, even though we ain't had a king in a couple of centuries! If that ain't the hormones talking, I don't know what is!
(pause)
Joe: You know, Sam...you could be right.
Sam: 'Course I'm right --
Joe: It doesn't make any sense, all that stuff Mary said. She's got to be in some kind of pre-partum funk!
Sam: Didn't I tell you?
Joe: I'm getting all revved up over nothing! -- Well, except that I've got a fiancee with toys in the attic --
Sam: Joe, she'll be fine after the kid's born, I'm sure of it --
Joe: Yeah! What's the matter with me? I'm getting married soon, and after that I'm going to be a father!
Sam: And, if Mary's right, you're gonna have yourself a son!
Joe: I forgot that! A son! My firstborn's a son!
Sam: Couldn't ask for more --
Joe: You know what, Sam? I'm going to go home, grab Mary, give her a big wet one, tell her I don't care who she says the father is and how I can't wait to hold my son in my arms!
Sam: It's gonna work out fine, Joe --
Joe: Yeah, the future's all laid out, Sam. Mary and I get married, my son is born....I'm going to make that kid the best carpenter in town!
Sam: Absolutely --
Joe: And the best thing is, Sam: he's going to give me lots of grandkids!
Sam: Joe, it's in the stars!
