Note: I love English. It's my favorite toy. I've been playing in it almost since I began to talk. I require no game stations, no playmates, nothing but a ramble through my mind. And since I'm a bit of a vulgarian, I like silly along with witty, a groaner as much as a bon mot. So I decided to include an on-going feature in my writing blog, dedicated to wordplay and linguistic nonsense.
  If you are similarly minded and feel like adding your craziness to mine, by all means send me a favorite joke, pun or quip. If it gets me, I'll include it, with acknowledgement if you want. But, since it's my blog, I reserve the right not to include. It that's OK with you, fire away.
  Here goes:

When I was a boy, I asked my grandmother, "What's a pun?" She took my hand and said, "Come with me," and led me to the livingroom window. "Put your hand on the glass," she told me. I did. And she said, "Feel the pane?" (true story)
 
A mink, angry that his relatives were used as a lady's fur, yesterday broke into a suburban mansion and "liberated" the fur in question. The the mink made a clean getaway into the woods. Police are investigating; a spokesman said, "We're actively looking for the mink stole the mink stole."

A favorite joke: a priest, wishing to put the fear of God into his congregation, began his sermon with these words: "Everyone in this parish will some day die!" The congregation seemed appropriately cowed, except for one little man in the back of the church, who giggled. The priest glared at the little man and said, more forcefully: "I repeat: everyone in this parish will some day die!!" And the little man giggled again. Now the priest roared: "And you, sir! Why do you find so amusing the fact that everyone in this parish will some day die?!?"
  And the little man replied, "I'm not from this parish!"

Why couldn't the Chinese gentleman find his way home after too many brandies with Western frields?
 He was disoriented.

Three blonde jokes: just heard about the blonde who wanted to learn to water ski but couldn't find a lake with a slope. She also returned a scarf she bought because it was too tight. And she had to stop using birth control pills. They kept falling out.

Does an idle electrician long for shorts?

Favorite Rodney Dangerfield joke: Got up this morning, put on my shirt on, a button fell off. Picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!

At the house-building site, the foreman noticed that the carpenter's apprentice was hammering nails by putting the nail heads against the wood and hitting the pointed ends. "Holy Moly, what's the matter with you?" he screamed at the befuddled apprentice. "Don't you realize those nails are for the other side of the house?" (gleaned from a collection of shaggy dog stories published in New Zealand a zillion years ago.) 
 
In the Dark Ages we had Elephat Jokes. My favorite:
Q: Why did the elephant and the mouse get married? A: They had to.

A long time ago, in darkest Africa, a tribe was renowned for its solid gold throne, handed down through the ages, revered throughout the territory. Then one day the drums reported that a group of thieving archaeologists were near at hand, intending to steal the precious gold throne. A tribal council was called, and after much discussion they decided to hide the throne in the attic of the chief's grass hut, tell the archaeologists that the throne was a mere legend, and send them on their way. 
  And it came to pass: the throne was hauled up to the chief's atticand the archaeologists came to the village, asking about a solid gold throne. "What gold throne?" the chief replied. "No gold thrones around here. You must be mistaken. Such a pity. Before you continue on your way, perhaps you'd like a spot of tea...." But as the tea was served, a strong wind arose, shook the hut, and the throne crashed down through the roof and crushed them all.
  Moral: people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. 
 
A Conglomeration of Signs:
On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On another plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
On a Maternity Room door: Push. Push. Push.
At the Optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay.
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.
And at a Chicago radiator shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

(Thanks to my friend Conductor Doug for forwarding the above. No idea who originated them.)

An Oldie But Goodie:
The Queen of Bees, bless her soul
Did not believe in birth control
And that's the reason, if you please,
You see so many Sons of Bees!