| View Blog
|
|
|
|
The last few weeks have been extremely hard for me...emotionally and physically.
It should have been a great month . The celebration of our 3rd wedding anniversary in April and my husband's 35th birthday tomorrow - should have been happy times. Instead I am lost in a sea of grief, guilt and what-ifs. My husband passed away in December. Age 34 - way too young and with his (& our) whole life in front of him. Ever since I seem to be struggling to deal with all the "stuff".
What should have been the best times of my life has been reduced to me crying in private and working a lot to get through the grief. Just trying to make it one day and sometimes one minute at a time.
I go through a lot of what-ifs.
What if I had done something different? What if we had a different (more intelligient) physician? What if we had kids?
WHAT IF? WHAT IF? The What Ifs can drive you insane!
There are times that I am floating out there on that sea of guilt. Guilt at being alive, at being angry at him that he left me, at not reaching out to his brothers and sister more often, the list just goes on.
Then there are the times that I am angry at the stupid physician who should have known what meds shouldnt interact together and that I should have been more pro-active and known more about what was going on.
We were trying for kids but it wasnt in God's plans for me to be pregnant right now. It has taken a while for me to come to grips with that and I still have times that I just dont understand why not. But I am dealing...usually.
Grief hurts and really sucks! But hopefully with my family,friends and God I will get through this without losing my mind or my faith.
Then on top of all that, I have been fighting a spring time cold & cough. The coughing had gotten so bad that I lost my voice for almost a whole week. UGH! Which meant that I couldnt work...I answer the phone. So no voice, no working. I felt okay except for my chest hurting a little from the coughing. Extremely frustrating. Thank goodness that is better. Still got the cough but at least I have my voice back. So I am back to work...staying busy so my mind doesnt focus on sad things, the grief, the guilt or those horrible WHAT IFS?
|
|
Posted by leesbelle on 2008-05-02 21:07:01 | Rating: | Views: 101
|
|
| |
|
|
| Blog Comments
|
|
|
|
|
I can say nothing to comfort you I think. Everything you feel is intense. you know you don't have to deal with it...just Let'er rip and indulge. I'll be thinking of you.
|
|
Posted by lampoil
on 2008-05-03 22:25:01
|
|
|
|
I have tears running down my face after reading your post for you..I lived in the what if's the guilt, I always thought what if I had been there and my husband didn't fall on the roof...we cannot go back I know God has a plan for all of us and that it takes us through things that does not make sense...we have lived 10 years of this...I have watched my husband suffer 10 years and somedays I wonder if it would have been better if he had not made it ...but I would miss him like you do...it hurts so much to be where you are and it hurts to be where I am...Life is sometimes just not fair but I know God has put so many good things in my life through these years that I would not change what happened but the pain hurts...make sure you get outside help and go to a support group...I didn't want to go but it was the best thing I did! hugs, cheryl
You will be in my prayers....
|
|
Posted by Icareforyou
on 2008-05-04 09:37:49
|
|
|
|
I am so sorry for your loss of your husband at such a young age..that is too much for someone to go thru alone.
I am happy to hear that you are working and having friends around you for support..
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
|
|
Posted by Hollis
on 2008-05-05 09:59:02
|
|
|
|
|
What If's are awful! I am sorry that you have to deal with all of this pain and grief. You are not alone. Always know that!
|
|
Posted by BitterSweetheart
on 2008-05-10 00:09:24
|
|
|
|
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
