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Richard Buttkus is my favorite football player...

I've never really commented about this before but sometimes the hardest part about relocating to a huge city is re-developing your social life.

There are many pros and cons to living outside of the city, as there are many pros and cons to living in the city. The one big difference is the social scene. By living outside of the city, we pay cheaper rent, work less, and we're still able to have a car. The only setback is living so far away, makes it challenging to develop friendships and sexual/love/relationship/interests. So if we meet some hot girl, we're not exactly able to take her (and or her friends) to our place to "hang out and maybe drop some dong" Just kidding. But we have made some great friends at our stay here, and i only expect to make more.

It just gets to us sometimes because we're used to being in college dorms. So whenever we wanted to see a girl, all we had to do was walk down a hallway and bang on a door, or call someone up, or just see somebody on the way to class at some point.

So when you live in a house with four guys and don't get to see your friends that often, you tend to get a bit more lonely than you're used to. Which is okay and frustrating at times. It doesn't really matter because, its not the most important thing to be with someone, and or have female company around all the time. It can be distracting, and sometimes being away from it all can really clarify things for you.

Then there is instant messenger. I only go on instant messenger when i'm in two places. When i was at college, and my mom's house in new jersey. Because there is not much to do when i'm over there, i go on a lot, and talk it up. Especially to ex-girlfriends, ex-hookups, old friends, and failed romances and things.

Then after you start talking to them, you start thinking about past memories and all that crap, and it gets really bad if you are really nice to each other and are talking a lot. It gets even worse if you start connecting and actually starting to realize that you miss each other and you still the feel the same. Even after all this you can't do anything about it, even if you both verbally agreed to a second chance or hanging out or anything, it ain't going to work. Life has moved on and this is one past event you won't get a second chance at.

And thats what i been thinking about the past weeks. I'm sure you all have done it too. To lie awake at night unable to sleep because you are pondering your past regrets, mistakes, and missed opportunities. I hate that, i hate it so much. I look back at my college experience and all i think about is what i could've done differently, who i should've been with instead of someone else, what i should've said to someone instead of something else, what i should've ignored instead of dwelling on, a bunch of crap like that. So its not really that important, but lost time to me is important to ponder. I don't want to waste a minute in this life at all, and i don't want to feel like i screwed up a lot of great things in my life until now.

When i look back at umass overall i feel like i learned a lot of important things about life and people, but i realize i learned a lot of these things at my own expense. I was an idiot back then i should've just stop and thought about things for more than a second, and maybe acted more selfishly than i would've allowed myself too.

I think about my experience with two girls mostly. Both negative, both shallow and insignificant to the big picture but still resonate with me. When i lie awake at night i think about these two girls and i can't help but feel embarrassed and regretful.

One girl i could swear was going to be a great phase of my life, and someone i was destined to be with for a period of time. That went down the toilet and she taught me a lesson of moving on quickly and proudly. I also learned about what exactly is someone i should like, and what is someone i could like. though i'm disapointed it took me awhile to figure that out. I just broke up with my high school girlfriend, and i was so excited about a fresh start in college. "I'm sorry i can't do this anymore" she said one night. "I don't really like you i never did." "then why did you say you like me-you said that when you were sober even?" "i'm sorry mikey, i only liked the attention." I don't think i ever felt worse.

The other i thought was a friend. But when i broke up with my girlfriend at the time, things got different. She liked me and because i was an idiot, i thought we'd always be friends. At the time there was another girl i was interested in and i thought i had to make a choice then and there, when she came all the way from a party far from campus just to spend the night together. I told her i was an idiot, she could do better, and we are better friends anyways. Then i walked away and went with the other girl. I was wrong and we weren't very good friends anyways, or at least we started to drift apart and things in our personal lives caused us to drift apart, and ending when i just didn't want to deal with her scowling at me while i made jokes at dinner. The way i went about was immature and later i tried to patch things up but they were never the same, and i missed my chance as soon as i realized i liked her, and should've chose her. that lesson was simple, i should've went with her. The other girl i chose over her had baggage like no other, and it was occurring that night. It was a clear warning of what i was walking into. This girl came all the way from a party to take me away from that bullshit, and i declined to volunteer myself into a giant mess. I'm a complete retard.

There are numerous other times that i have screwed up and regret. I try to go to bed, but sometimes i think about these things. A lot of these experiences has taught me a great deal, and i'm a better person for it. But there's not one time in the day where i don't stop and wonder what could have been different...