one thing i love about this blog is that i can rant and rant and rant and yet no one i know will get pissed about my point of view
especially now, i've just had my third nervous breakdown this week, and it's not pretty because i'm losing focus, and losing focus means bad grades, and bad grades means disappointments, and that's why i hate negative domino effects, and all of these logical fallacies they forces us to memorize...
back to the original point, i'm not in the state to entertain guests, to be my loving self because i don't want those people to see my crying, yes, it might be because it's a sign of weakness for me, and i'm now crying for shallow reasons and i hate myself for it!!!
my family doesn't know the dilemna i'm going through, let's just say that i'm a teenager like you, full of dramas and dreams, and because of that, i'm under pressure, to be the perfect daughter, or the second perfect daughter... as what my sweet elder sister once pointed out, i'm always be forever stuck in the second place, never the first
it might stung yes, but i'm really trying my darnest not to compete her, and it's pretty hard when my parents always point out my sister's perfection, espcially in accounting, in numbers and calculations, almost in everything i suppose, she's the perfect daughter and i'm the black sheep of the family, that's what they expected...
finals are looming closer and closer, and i don't know what to do: i'm drowning in things i supposed to be doing, and i can't tell my parents because they'll lecture me about being melodramatic, and i'm trying really hard to change, just to show them that i can shine my own star...
my head is pounding, my friends are now breathing down my neck, just to get me study, i know that the problem's withing me, and i'm trying really hard,
things at home is not... not exactly pleasant, since everything i do is... not pleasant, from their point of view...
so yes, i can't talk back because of the tone of my voice, and they'll always assume that i'm muttering dark words under my breath when i'm just telling my self to calm down and not to snap back...
and my closest friends in school are invited to my classmate's debut and i'm jealous, i know that i shouldn't be, but hey, i'm not available that day anyway, since i'm going to attend another debut... ahaha
i just hate the fact that my parents, and my sister are laughing when i'm crying, because they told me that i'm crying over nothing, but of course, they didn't know that i didn't ate lunch today because i'm too nervous
and that i'm not eating that much because i'm nervous about my grades, everything i have to do within one day, and also, my group's dependence on me...
ahaha...
i'm not exactly ahm.. refreshed about sharing my problems, i still feel that they're stuck, because i can't tell them what im going through, i can't bear to tell them that maybe i'll repeat the year, and i can't bear to watch their face, as if they expect this of me....
and also, i'm tired pretending that i'm not crying, that i'm always happy, always looking for ways...
because i'm really way too tired, and yet i can't rest because i've got so many things to do!!
and i just want someone to look at me, beyond everything and see that i can't do everything at all,
hmm.. good question right, why can't i do everything when so many people depends on me?
ahaha, i should laugh, i can't have a proper "crying session" because it shows weakness and there's no time for it..
and i hate it, i really hate to pretend
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