lazyperson

random thoughts of a lazy person

2008-10-03T11:17:36-04:00

one thing i love about this blog is that i can rant and rant and rant and yet no one i know will get pissed about my point of view

especially now, i've just had my third nervous breakdown this week, and it's not pretty because i'm losing focus, and losing focus means bad grades, and bad grades means disappointments, and that's why i hate negative domino effects, and all of these logical fallacies they forces us to memorize...

back to the original point, i'm not in the state to entertain guests, to be my loving self because i don't want those people to see my crying, yes, it might be because it's a sign of weakness for me, and i'm now crying for shallow reasons and i hate myself for it!!!

my family doesn't know the dilemna i'm going through, let's just say that i'm a teenager like you, full of dramas and dreams, and because of that, i'm under pressure, to be the perfect daughter, or the second perfect daughter... as what my sweet elder sister once pointed out, i'm always be forever stuck in the second place, never the first
it might stung yes, but i'm really trying my darnest not to compete her, and it's pretty hard when my parents always point out my sister's perfection, espcially in accounting, in numbers and calculations, almost in everything i suppose, she's the perfect daughter and i'm the black sheep of the family, that's what they expected...

finals are looming closer and closer, and i don't know what to do: i'm drowning in things i supposed to be doing, and i can't tell my parents because they'll lecture me about being melodramatic, and i'm trying really hard to change, just to show them that i can shine my own star...

my head is pounding, my friends are now breathing down my neck, just to get me study, i know that the problem's withing me, and i'm trying really hard,
things at home is not... not exactly pleasant, since everything i do is... not pleasant, from their point of view...

so yes, i can't talk back because of the tone of my voice, and they'll always assume that i'm muttering dark words under my breath when i'm just telling my self to calm down and not to snap back...

and my closest friends in school are invited to my classmate's debut and i'm jealous, i know that i shouldn't be, but hey, i'm not available that day anyway, since i'm going to attend another debut... ahaha

i just hate the fact that my parents, and my sister are laughing when i'm crying, because they told me that i'm crying over nothing, but of course, they didn't know that i didn't ate lunch today because i'm too nervous
and that i'm not eating that much because i'm nervous about my grades, everything i have to do within one day, and also, my group's dependence on me...

ahaha...
i'm not exactly ahm.. refreshed about sharing my problems, i still feel that they're stuck, because i can't tell them what im going through, i can't bear to tell them that maybe i'll repeat the year, and i can't bear to watch their face, as if they expect this of me....

and also, i'm tired pretending that i'm not crying, that i'm always happy, always looking for ways...
because i'm really way too tired, and yet i can't rest because i've got so many things to do!!
and i just want someone to look at me, beyond everything and see that i can't do everything at all,

hmm.. good question right, why can't i do everything when so many people depends on me?

ahaha, i should laugh, i can't have a proper "crying session" because it shows weakness and there's no time for it..
and i hate it, i really hate to pretend

random thoughts of a lazy person

2008-09-29T10:50:49-04:00

my head is throbbing, seriously
ever since the start of this week, all of my classmates' head and my head are throbbing, due to school work!
a play, two quizzes, a ton of paper work, a speech presentation and we have to study for finals!
all that for just two weeks!!!
we're human beings!
all of our professors are now trying to speed up those damn lessons, good thing is that we're one of those "star" sections, we're in college and i don't even know why they put us in those groups...

really, our head is throbbing, we've got two final exams this friday, we've got a play on thursday, which is half of our final exam in literature!
and we've got a blasted, pervert professor for accounting! he failed almost half of his classes last year!
how about us?!
me and my friends once joked, "by thisday next next week, let's compare eyebags"
and i'm not kidding if i tell you that our eyebags are scary, they're huge and black! ahhhhhh!!

and we have to understand all those hurried lessons thrown at us, oh,and group meetings, practices and extra classes...

wow... if we make through this, we really are superhuman! ahaha

wow, that's all i can say, we have to finish all of that in one week, because by next week, it's our final examination, which we have to pass in order to enjoy a blissful sembreak!

now, i vented out my feelings, it still doesn't help that i'm still drowning at school work
and i've got parties to attend to!

what the hell is with this week?! can't they just schedule it two weeks from now?

random thoughts of a lazy person

2008-09-27T09:11:17-04:00

well, let's start!
ahaha, things are crazy nowadays,
things...

in short, i couldn't write a decent entry here, i don't know what to say,

random thoughts of a lazy person

2008-09-03T08:58:25-04:00

suddenly, i miss my friends, back in high school, the odd ones, the ones that bring the kid out of me, they're the ones who i could run to when... when i just need to sit back and enjoy

why on earth i lose in touch with them?
of course, some of you might think that with the internet and the cellphone and such, but it's different, i'm different, and when i saw their pictures, i'm sort of sad, because i know that i could be there, that i could be laughing with them there...

and still, i'm here.. duh, hahaha

but still, when i saw their pictures, i feel hollow, because it's sort of my fault that i lose in touch, sort of my fault why i rarely attend to them.. sort of me, because i'm so geared up in my new life that i barely looked back...

and now, i'm believing in the saying, "you can't finish if you don't look back from where you've started"
or something like that...

damn, such a fucking idiot! hahaha

i really miss them, and it's something, because usually, i'm self-centered and that i always need my friends around me, so it's another new thing for me...
hahaha

damn, please oh Lord, let me talk to them again, please, i just want to know what the hell happened to them after 2 years...

and to think that i'm not a patient girl!

2008-09-02T10:44:16-04:00

hm
there is this one guy that fascinates me right now,
one, because he's different, and two, he's new to me, at least right now
he offers a very different view from the world, and i think that he could take care of himself somehow..
i don't know, no, i don't like him, nor love him or anything, i'm just a sucker for weird guys, trying to find some uniqueness in him to help me for something or somewhat
hahaha
i'm bad, i know, but still, he's new, so i'll just wait,

yeah, i'll just wait

when in the flood, stuck at crossroads and no way

2008-09-02T10:33:25-04:00

i'm stuck between two guys, and it's bad for a dense, clueless and cruel person like me,
no one told them to like me more than friends, no one told me that they like me,

i'm a straight-to-the-point kind of person, if you want to do something, then why not now right?
i'm a go-getter, but alas, i'm still lazy, haha, that's why teachers complain why i have those average grades when i can do so much better.

well, i'm bc enough, i can't go back to carefree high school days, i can't go forward to the "real world" i'm sort of stuck in college, neck deep in paperworks and i'm supposed to just grin and bear it
of course i'll bear it, but it's the question of patience, i'm not a patient kind of woman who would smile or something, if i want something i will get it, as long as i don't trample on someone...

so, i'm stuck in the middle of the crossroads, not knowing where and when to turn or just go straight ahead...

i'm a leader for one thing, against my will and yet my members tells me that i'm doing a great job, my friends tells me that i'm cool, my classmates praises my straight-forwardness and i don't know a thing about those professors, somehow, i don't want to get attached...

anyway, if i go forward, maybe i'll meet my goal there, but the way forward.. is so damn easy, so damn clear that i know what i have to do, and i don't want to know what i have to do in my life, i mean, that i like suprises, i like alternatives, i like challenges that could make me a stronger person
so
should i take the detour? should i take a step to the right where i follow my family's dreams for me? should i take a step to the left to follow my dearest friends or should i just stand in here forever, not knowing what to do for the rest of my life..?

i'm standing at the crossroads, knowing that one step will change my life forever, so what should i choose?!

also, the matter of those damn two guys...
one is my sort of best friend, and it stays there, i've already told him about that, but they still tell me that he likes me...
the other guy is the one i've just met, a semester ago, and yet, we've been pretty close, but not that close enough for me to believe that he already likes me that much..

you see, i hate to be romatically close to people, i don't want to fall in love because i'm afraid of those risks...

i can't go damn back to those days... those days that i've got nothing to care about in the world besides myself, my friends and family...

haha, i'm neck-deep flood, standing in the middle of the crossroads, with no way of returning back from where i came from...

is it that good or that bad that i've reached a crossroad of my otherwise, monotonous life?

here at school

2008-06-26T04:55:11-04:00

someone once told me that education is so damn important that it's your life's greatest treasure, i don't know about that, though i'm in my second year here in college...

being in college have lots of advantages, though, i'm one of the youngest sophomore student in our class, it didn't stop me from enjoying those so-called advantages,
and of course, every advantage, there are drawbacks...

i'm not here to tell all of you what college is like, it's different from each and every person here, all i know is that it's the last chance to find yourself, who you really are, and do things that you want to do, and do it without regretting it afterwards, i'm not that liberated person, i'm just open-minded...

haha,
i'm here at our university library, of course as usual, i'm taking advantage of the free internet access here in school, i'm with a friend.

speaking about school, for the first time, i think that i could actually study! gone are the days that i complain about this, about that, but i'm not a stupid freshman (no offense) anymore, i'm cool and collected sophomore, and i'm proud to say, i belong to the top class!! haha...
being in a school like this, i don't know the feeling, i guess that its in the air, the school spirit, the pressure, the fun in all of it...
that's the meaning of college for me, doing everything seriously while having fun, who knows what may happen to me here, it's so not like high school, where you could control the situation because it's limited, or restricted, and dude, it's high school, we all know that we do stupid things in high school and even stupider things in college... i should know because i'm doing it,
;)

it's just june, and all of us are knee-deep in school work, of course, in true-blue student fashion, we complain, we bitch about everything, but deep inside, we're glad that we're learning something special, and that's is really one of life's greatest treasures.

i read a quote in harry potter, and i read somewhere that it's from the bible,
"where your treasure is, there's your heart also"
or in somewhat that way...

oh yeah, i forgot, spelling of college is, f-r-e-e-d-o-m!

changing for me!!

2008-05-13T07:32:01-04:00

hmm...
i'm changing!! yesss!!
haha...
this is my second entry for today, just after the first one, figured that i'm not gonna be around to do more entries in here...

just gonna talk about changes, some for worse, other for the better!!
wahoo.. what the heck am i talking about?
first of all, i'm tired of convincing everyone i've just met that i'm not 13 years old!! hello, i'm in my late teens!!
for pete's sake, i'm a college student, not a high school freshman!
see my dilemna now?
haha.. so with my whole group of friends, they're turning me into a project:transformation!!
haha... i don't know if i'm excited or not, but i'm pretty sure that it's just my appearance that'll be different, i think that i'll also gain some respect, or lose some, either way, i'm tired of pretending someone that i'm not, i just want to show to the world that i'm ready to take it head on, that i'm always ready to take it on, and i'm ready to be part of it, who knows, i can be different, and i want to be different, besides, its time for me to escape my cocoon, it's suffocating me and i can't take it anymore! i'm ready to be a beautiful butterfly...

okay, that's enough...

anyway, i'm serious about changing, look at madonna, people notice her because she keep changing herself, to be always interesting, and i'll be like that! i'll prove to the world that i'am changing, and that the world is changing, no one will hide anymore...

haha..
yes, changing is good, hell, you can learn from it! besides, you can never go back, never, like you can't go back to yesterday!
i'm not going to forget my past, because it made me what i am today, yes, i'm not gonna forget it, also, i'm not going to look in to the future, because it is tiring, and if i look there, what the hell am i gonna search for? because present is the key there, and if i just stare, what the heck am i gonna do for the rest of my life?
sure, i've got a big imagination, and i want imagination to meet reality!

gonna end this now, because my brother's shouting and i think that he burned the rice..
shit

random thoughts of a lazy person

2008-05-13T07:12:30-04:00

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