after yesterday i was so glad to get back to work today. my girlfriend melissa is such a "DO NOT FUCK WITH ME" person, she just wanted to pulverize the spouse. she actually gave me a message to give to said spouse. it went something like this "IF YOU EVER FUCK WITH MY LITTLE BUDDY AGAIN ASSHOLE I WILL PERSONALLY COME UP THERE AND PUT MY DURANGO UP YOUR ASS"and "IF YOU WANT TO FUCK WITH SOMEONE FUCK WITH ME. OH PLEASE JUST FUCK WITH ME". i think i got all of it. i wish i was more like her. it took so much out of me yesterday to just say the shit i did say. and yes the stuff in parenthesis was stuff i was saying to myself when it was happening. no shit. as of today he is still here. i guess it will take some time to find an apartment (if he is actually going to). i'm not holding my breath until hes gone. i don't know how i'll keep this house running or how i'll make it financially but i'm going to give it one hell of a try. get a second job or sell the house? i don't know. for now i'm just waiting for the asshole spouse to go, keeping my fingers crossed til then. i'm scared shitless though i don't mind saying it. like today, i'm broke. my check doesn't get deposited til midnight thursday and i don't think theres enough gas in my jeep to get me to and from work tomorrow. now, what i would normally do is either just try and make it and hope for the best and if i run out of gas call the spouse and ask him to come and help. which he does bitching and griping the whole time but still doing it. today i don't have that option and tomorrow when i'm sitting along the road and crying i'll think maybe it's not so bad him being here. see? i'm nuts. it's a financial thing. it's a security thing. i don't handle my money well at all. i'm terrible at it as a matter of fact. i need to win the lotto or something and get a good foot hold and then i'd be fine. but it seems i can never get ahead and he has seen to that. there has always been something. the only one here that seems to have a never ending  cash flow is THE SPOUSE. me? my cash flow is nonexistent. gas is now $3.29 a gallon, food is more expensive than ever, heat is over the top (unless i want my pipes to freeze along with me), electric isn't too bad though. and then you have the phone and cable and shit man i need a sugar daddy bad (just kidding, don't start sending me nasty comments). i'm scared! more scared than ever. i know when he leaves he's going to be leaving me with a huge debt that is just unpenetrable (spelling?). oh, i just thought of the mortgage, insurance, taxes, upkeep of the house and my car and if i go naked and don't wear out my clothing then i'll be ok there. i mean i take care of a lot of this now but it's different when there is some extra income there even his. nowi have more worries different ones but huge one just the same. what am i trading in on here? a black eye and split lip here and there vs. a forclosure on my home, lights being shut off, no heat, no food, no transportation. i'm sure most of you are thinking i'm just looking for excuses, but the truth is i'm not. i'm actually looking for answers. i've never been the bread winner by any means, well he hasn't for a long time either but now i'll be the only bread at all. maybe i should just let it go into foreclosure and take my chances. there is so little owed on it that it would literally break my heart. this house was my grandmother's . my mother grew up here. my grandfather died in the very room i now sleep and i've always had the sense that he is here looking out for me (not doing such a good job lately though). it needs a lot of work and i've always dreamt that someday i would fix it up like it was intended. it's a good house and certainly not its fault that i screwed things up for it and married someone that is a jerk. i've tried over the years to do things and maybe someday the house would work for me when i needed a nestegg. but thats not going to happen and i'm just sad about that. i'm sad a chapter of my life is ending. not the spouse thingy. i hate him and hes scum. but the rest of it i'll miss. i'll mourn the house and the loss of my life as i knew it at one time. hell, who am i if not the beaten down wife of ass hole? who am i if not the fucker upper of his and my life? who am i if not the screw up in this family? god, i'm scared to death. i've just lost my identity here in this whole mess. i've been so beaten down and so stepped on that it's going to take a little while to get up. i'm sure it will happen but i need to be patient and see what else fate has in store for me. i may be surprised. i may find that life isn't as hard as i've been brainwashed it is. i need to take it one day at a time and not think long term. i cannot think about next week or next year or even tomorrow right now. just today, this minute and this second. i've never been on my own in my entire life, never. theres always been someone there to either take care of me or at the very least to help out. now there is going to be just me and this big house and a mortgage.  why can't things just for once go easy on me? why can't just once things work out for me? why does life always give something and throw a monkey wrench into the mix? jesus, it's enough to piss someone off! i know he'll be fine. he has his cash stash and his little side business and his "WOMAN"  and he'll do just fine. and i know this man and he will absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to see me fall on my ass. and i know i will, surely as the sun rises and sets, i will. i just realized that the word scared doesn't even begin to cover the way i'm feeling right now. terrified? paralized with fear? petrified? paniced? breathe girl, breathe! deep ones here! in through the nose and out through the mouth! deep cleansing ones! my heart is beating so freaking fast right now, it feels like it's coming out of my chest. heart attack? panic attack? or just plain whipped and scared shitless? i'm sitting here crying for what? a house i may lose? a lifestyle ? gas prices? my economy? fuck if i know! life is a series of trade offs i think. i trade one miserable life for another miserable life. i trade black eyes, split lips and violent tirades for debt, worry, financial ruin, and independence? sometimes it doesn't seem worth it. but i know it is! don't get your pantyhose in a ruffle? i know it's all worth it. i know that some how it will work itself out. i cannot believe that a true God would lead me to water and then not let me drink. i know i have a guardian angel that is watching out for me somewhere. i know that there is a God looking to ease some of this. i have to believe that or else i'm already done. peace and harmony