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| WHEN GOD CLOSED THE WINDOW HE LOCKED THE DOOR!
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troops have arrived and my radio is being installed tomorrow for me. i guess i am a very lucky girl. i give no credit to the man upstairs yet. i'm still pretty pissed at him, and i'm sure hes used to it. he has very broad shoulders i suspect. today at work one of the nurses had a visiting dr. take a look at my eye. it seems i have a couple of busted blood vessels. the bruise has settled below the socket on my cheek which makes it look a lot worse than it actually is. he gave me some meds for some discomfort and the "talk" about abuse and sent me on my way. i feel i shouldn't have told any one at all. i've sat at this computer many nights with a busted lip or bloody nose just chatting it up with people. a computer is an amazing tool. no one can see my face or my tears. i feel liked a marked woman now, forever with the insignia of a battered woman on my forehead. i know there are a lot of people disappointed in me and my reaction or lack thereof. i feel like i should apologize for not doing something or taking a higher path or something. i feel like i now owe others. i don't think i'll ever blog about something like that again. i don't know where i'll put it but it shouldn't be here. it's weird because if i keep stuff in a written journal then he comes in and feels the need to invade my privacy. if i put it here then i feel like i'm invading yours. what is that about and what is wrong with me? is there no safe place to fall here? will i ever feel safe again? will i ever feel like i'm not afraid? get rid of those terrible chills i get from being afraid? i want to feel the warmth of safety. i want to feel like waking up and living and not sleeping and dying. i told someone today that i think when god closes a window he doesn't necessarily open anything else up. sometimes he just shuts it all down and locks the door. sometimes it's just what it is, nothing. and we have to accept that he doesn't have all the answers. i am just thoroughly ashamed for worrying my friends here and feel humiliated beyond belief. i am such a private person. hell no one knows anything about me around here. people at my job know little or nothing about me although after this eye thing i'm sure they are curious enough. i just feel all sick inside because i put some of me out there and can't get it back. i want to take it back. i want to change this week and do things differently, make different choices. the result may have been the same but i would choose not to divulge secrets on line. as i look back on my blogs i see i did that a lot. i need to stay chit chatty and keep my mouth shut or the computer off. i need to be discreet about my writings and then i won't feel such an aftershock. people want comments, hell we all want to know what others are thinking as they read our most intimate thoughts. we all want to read how people like us and feel about us. i do. i want people to like me and be my friend. i just don't like feeling like yesterday's trash or some sort of smut story. how does anyone do it? i've kept things so close to the vest for so long that it feels alien to put it out there. the only one that knows anything is the very being i am angry with and we all know who that is. RIGHT GOD? maybe god and i should have another go round. i am sitting here just feeling the enormous weight over my entire body of the shit i've blogged about. i must have been on drugs or drunk or something. i could'nt have been in my right mind. surely there must be some brain damage from all the left and right hooks. i liked it better when i was an introvert, when speaking was not the norm, when a computer was just a tool to play games with. i see now that me being a hermit was good since then no one could expect anything from me and they couldn't be disappointed in me. i miss my dad. i wish he were here right now. there would be no hitting. he would kick some major ass. there would be no tears. he would only make me smile. there would be no regrets. he loved me unconditionally (the only person to ever do that). there would be hope, and happiness, and encouragement and goodness in my life. there would be life. he would make sure of it. i know he would. he never disappointed me like i know i am him. in my eyes he was a candle in the night. he was such a special man and always loved me no matter what. never cared that i wasn't perfect or my sister. as my mom would tell me how much i fucked up her life he would tell me how special i made his. he was a man above any man i have ever met in my entire life. there will never be a man that could ever hold a candle to him. he is truly my hero,and i so wish he were here to help me through this "bad patch". daddy,if you hear me, i love you. please help me here. no more thoughts here. so i say peace and harmony to all.
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Posted by lastblastkl on 2008-03-07 17:49:00 | Rating: | Views: 114
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If I could get to you, I would. You are not alone, you do not owe anyone anything! You do not have to be "up" for us or listen to any disappointmenting comments, there are none here. You don't have to have comments, merely state so in your blogs. Write and then ask that no one comment. It's our place to vent and it's a good thing. Do it your way, in your own time. Ellie
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-03-07 21:02:15
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thank you ellie. i just don't like being the disappointment and i know in this instance i am. i enjoy the comments but don't want to be the negative force. thank you again.
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-03-07 21:34:22
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YOU are NOT a dissappointment to me or any of us that read your blogs...Yea there are some who "GET OFF" on others hurts and things, but not me....I have shed many tears when I read your blogs because to know the hurting isn't stopping...Did you know that how your earthly Father was is exactly how God above should be in your life???I heard that in a sermon on a sunday....God above is there along with your Dad just praying and loving you for being so honest with what is going on...God loves you more than even your dad did...He will allow things to happen in our lifes, to make us stronger for it and to share with others to help them see they are not alone in this big,scary world and there are those who have read your blogs, that found out that they didn't deserve the abouse and got out...You my friend have probably saved so many lifes in these months from their abuser who might of killed them if not for your strength of sharing....Please honey, never ever feel like shit for being so honest about what is going on....I too would come find you and take you home and love on you til the pain and heartache stopped.............Trust that God is in this with you and He is doing what needs to be done to the man inHIS TIME...never ours...So stay strong and know that you are loved by many and we will never regret knowing you...Love you girl....God is watching you and so is your Dad.....
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Posted by Hollis
on 2008-03-08 12:42:13
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hollis, that was so beautiful. i thank you from the bottom of my heart. you and ellie are amazing women among amazing women on this site. god, how i feel so proud to be of the same gender. i did well today and made some positive moves. little ones but still moves forward.:)
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-03-08 15:34:16
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