Thoughts.com Blogs - WHEN DID I KNOW THE PARTY WAS OVER?

Yesterday at work there was a round table discussion (actually a rectangular table) but lets not split hairs here. the topic of the day??? when do u know a relationship is over? i discussed it with my therapist today.
I sat there and listened (as i usually do) and took it all in and tried to think about my past relationships and when did i decide enough was enough and just leave. every one had their own accounts of their past loves and just how they ended and  i didn't have much to say...........until someone asked me when i knew it was over. they all knew about my recent separation and my long time battle with domestic violence and i supose they were curious as to just why i had stayed at the party soooooo long.
I think about the good times the spouse and i had so long ago. we were good together for quite a while until.............one day he came home for lunch and we got into a bit of an arguement and after he left i was just so angry and i flipped him the bird behind his back and he turned around just as i had done it........i will never forget the rage on his face. it was like seeing a stranger bc he had never been like that before. he grabbed me and through me down and i got my first slap........i knew at that very moment the party was going to be over someday soon......didn't know 'soon' would take another 20 yrs though. now the reality of this is it didn't JUST start that day. it was obviously building for a long time and i just chose to ignore the signs for a long time. i did that a lot......ignore things.
Over the years it went from bad to worse to deadly (as u all have found out) and i thought i was the cause of the entire thing. i thought i had done or was doing something to cause this man to react like this. how sick is that? how sick does a person have to be to think that the reason she is getting beaten to death is bc SHE did something to deserve it and did something to cause it no less. AND if she didn't know what she did or what she continued to do how would she get him to stop? think girl, think!
  I went through years of thinking just those thoughts and on top of that wondering what i did in my life that was sooooo bad that i deserved this treatment. i thought of some of the not so great things i had done and figured god just wanted me punished and punished i got.
   At my therapy appointment i found out the truth.....the truth is i did'nt do anything.....nothing.....nada......zip. those that have deemed fit to feel i should get punched were jerks, big time jerks. they were losers that to make themselves feel like men they had to make me feel like shit and they did that in spades. it was ALL a power trip, as many asses have in their lives. they want to rule the roost with an iron fist and god help any one that gets in their way. i got in the way so many times it was crazy. my face got in the way of their fists to put it simply.
   What i have come to know is that i would have been in the way no matter where i was as long as i didn't stand up to the cruelty they gave me. by taking their shit i basically said 'i deserve this'. 'i'm not good enough to be treated fairly'. i had been told my entire life by my mother i wasn't ok. i was a loser and a bad person. u get told that enough u start to believe it and u seek out those that will believe it too. i had learned to hate myself. i did just that in all my past relationships witht the exception of eddie buffington......thats another post.
   NOW i know that i'm a good, decent human being. i have learned to look into the mirror and love the woman that looks back. in doing that i am loved by others. i am a warm caring person that wants and needs a love that will make me feel safe and secure . i know its there. i can feel it like a summer breeze on my face. i know he will tell me he loves me in every way there is to say it. EU TE AMO ! in every language there is i will hear it said. i will hear it with my heart. i will feel it with my body and my soul. i will know it when i hear his voice say 'i love u'. i will know that the party is just beginning..........

thanks to all of u that have helped me learn all these valuable lessons. my therapist says i'm almost THERE. i could never have done it with out my friends here at thoughts.com, never. you are my family and my true friends in life and i will never be able to repay anyone for the support that i recieved here.......
love u all
karen

p.s. DAVID
i am taking this time to say a special thanks to you.
you will never know how much you have meant to me and
will always mean to me......love u so much
K