| View Blog
|
|
| THROUGH MY LOOKING GLASS....
|
|
|
Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered 'literally almost' who the hell that it was staring back at you? That happened to me today. I went to the ladies room and as I was washing my hands looked into the mirror and thought....'Who the hell are you?'.
I've been going through some deep stuff lately and have discovered that almost my entire life has been spent trying to please others, making sure I don't offend others, letting other's feelings come before mine, trying to constantly make sure things are better for others, and letting others tell me how I feel, what i feel, and when to feel anything at all. Does all that make sense to anyone?
I think as women and mothers our natural instinct is to put others before ourselves. We are nurturers by nature and its instilled in us to put ourselves on the back burner (so to speak). However, most of us keep a check on it so we don't lose ourselves all together. I didn't.
I have gotten so bad that I couldn't tell you what color the sky is anymore. If I think 'blue' and someone else says..."No, it's not blue but purple!", then I would change my mind as to agree with them even though inside I'd know better. I have basically no opinion of my own anymore and I let others walk all over me. I mean I talk the talk here, but I don't walk the walk in life. I know things in my head. I know I'm a survivor of terrible treatment. I know many things were not my fault. I know Satan, A, and J (son's father) are assholes. In my head I know all this but to feel it in my heart it's different. In my heart I am confused about if I'm a 'survivor' or just a victim! Were some of the things in my past my fault? I should have dealt with things in other ways. Does the subsequent treatment I got make me guilty then? Maybe I really did push their buttons and cause them to 'lose it'. Maybe it was the things I said or the things I didn't say! These are the thoughts going through my mind lately. Am I destined to feel like this? Am I fated to always bring out the worst in others? Am I my own worst enemy truly?
As I looked into the mirror today it was like a huge 'rush' forcing me to really look at things and how they have made me the person I am today. Do I like her or not? I didn't even put makeup on today and looked even more 'drawn' than usual. It's been so long since I've felt normal about anything, I'm just lost. I still hurt. I still feel anger. I still have major regrets over all the time I've lost in my life just trying to make things better and ultimately didn't do a damn thing. I'm living in my daughter's house with 2 failed marriages and another failed long standing relationship (my son's father). I feel so sad for what I haven't achieved that I can't see what I have. Maybe I'm insane. Maybe this is actually what it's like to lose one's mind. Maybe it's been me all this time and i've just been too stupid to understand. Maybe..maybe...maybe...I hope I know soon! I just want to get it right this time around!
|
|
Posted by lastblastkl on 2008-09-26 19:17:47 | Rating: | Views: 35
|
|
| |
|
|
| Blog Comments
|
|
|
|
|
i kinda do ...and it does make sense ....great post
|
|
Posted by Black_Angel
on 2008-09-26 19:20:17
|
|
|
|
|
Thanks angel...i hope you always have the love and respect you deserve! *hugs*
|
|
Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-09-26 19:34:10
|
|
|
|
Hey Kaz,
I do, often. I often look at me and wonder that. I wonder where I am going, I'm wondering if that is what I really want.
Hmmm sorry, which one are you again ;)
xx
|
|
Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-09-26 19:36:03
|
|
|
|
K
You kill me woman!!! I'm the one....ooops, I forgot too! I need to get my shit together!!! I'm just at such loose ends lately! *hugs* :)
|
|
Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-09-26 19:57:14
|
|
|
|
Loose ends are good K, because that means we have options.... gotta love them right?
Gotta hate the damn choices too though.
Ahhh see there I go, confusing things! Lol.!
Love ya K.
xx
|
|
Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-09-26 20:12:02
|
|
|
|
K
Loose ends are good??? WOW, then I must be doing great!!! I just wish I could soon coast a little, just for bit!
As for confusing??? I'm so confused I don't know if I should scratch my watch or wind my butt!...LOL
|
|
Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-09-26 20:17:45
|
|
|
|
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
