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| THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS........
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i'm so not ok. i feel like shit. i am lonely and confused (not over the divorce, i want that badly) but over the waste my life has become. my life is in the toilet and has been for so fucking long that all i want to do is flush. i feel sick all the time bc of my nerves and so sad. so very sad. i never thought my life would be like this at this point in my life. i live in a constant dream state to get me through the days. if i hear one more time that god gives me no more than i can handle i'll just scream. i'll go out of what little mind i have left. i ache for someone to hold me and tell me that i'm going to be fine and that life has so much to offer me and all i hear is silence. the terrilbe silence of failure. i've been a miserable human being for so long that i don't know how to be anything else. i say i'm fine so that i make others feel better and come away feeling worse. "why did i just do that?" is what i say to myself. "bc people don't want to hear ur shit" thats why . they want to hear that there is a rain bow with a pot of gold nearby. there is no rainbow here and certainly no pot of gold. i was sitting here crying and just feeling so bad and so beaten down by stuff and someone IMd me. they did nothing more than listen to me and i felt better (not great) but better. is this the way life is going to be? am i going to feel like this terrilbe failure forever? another relationship down the tubes? more screw ups? am i forever meant to be alone? i read blues post yesterday and thought about it. would i want to settle for someone in order not to be alone? i hope not. i'm not good enough right now for anyone and would only bring sadness and grief to a partner. i don't want that for anyone. i want to bring happiness and joy to a relationship. i want to reap the good benefits of love not ruin yet another chance. i want to listen and hear what he says and feel like a true partner. i want to feel like an equal in every sense of the word. i don't feel like much of anything these days but a total failure. i am sorry i have given the impression that i'm so "up". i'm so full of bullshit. bullshitting should have been my major in school bc i'm really good at it. hell i'm the best. i don't want or need comments or anyone to actually read this thing. it matters zero. my head hurts and i want to go to sleep and forget this whole thing. i want to rest for one night with peace in my mind. just one. thats all i ask of the powers that be. i want my life back. i'll meet fate in the middle, no, i'll meet more than that.
i want the trust back i felt once upon a time. i want to be able to feel like i'm going to be alright. how do i do that? how do i begin to feel anything other than the crappy person i've become? i don't want to let anyone down, jesus i don't. i just want to feel like a fairly decent karen again. i'm tired............so fucking tired.
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Posted by lastblastkl on 2008-04-02 19:20:00 | Rating: | Views: 134
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Please read back what you've written.
You have so much inner strength - and you are already using it to climb up that mountain!
You have so much to experience in your lifetime than the crap you've dealt with so far.
But all that crap is what makes you who you are ... and you are awesome ... never forget that.
I've felt like you do right now, I've told people I was GOOD when I was crappy.
I wanted love but I didn't want to infect that love with the bitterness I felt or the worthlessness another has made me feel.
I can't make you feel better, nobody can ..... but you will when you are ready....
speak to you soon, my friend .... sorry for waffling!
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-04-02 20:27:01
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to all three of my commenting friends ie bullseye, easytosay and blue. thank u a lot but i'm just so tired truly i am. its worse than any emotional roller coaster ride i've ever been on. up and down and up and down again.lately it seems, especially with talking to a counselor that i am more than aware of my failures. meeting them head on is one of the things i must do but i don't want to. i want to stop now. its just so freaking hard. my face hurts from putting on this brave face for everyone, it just plain fucking hurts. what am i going to do if i can't do this? fail again? i cannot seem to get over this shit no matter how hard i try. i feel like i'm falling down a bottomless pit and theres nothing to grab onto and i am out of control. this must be what hell is like.
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-04-02 21:08:07
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You ARE NOT going to fail ... you can't ... you are already recovering! You are having bad days, and you will.... but slowly those bad days will be replaced by mediocre days, and then they will be replaced by good days .... those good days will have some bad days here and there ...but trust me ... your sun will shine again.
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-04-02 21:31:53
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another thing .(enough already I hear you saying as you roll your eyes!!)
If you feel like it say it! Don't ever hide it, especially here in Thoughts!
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-04-02 22:02:31
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I have read a few of your blogs and I see a very strong person who is at a low point. Trust me I understand.
I have gone through the emotional ups and downs where I questioned whether my life is worth living but I know that there has to be a reaon to go through all the pain. I believe that we have the emotional pain in order to truly know what love is and how good it can feel. You will get there.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-04-02 23:24:51
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Miss K, you have a good support system here. I am hear if you just want someone to scream at. Prelude2it, BlueMoonInMyEye, and EasyToSay has already said the things that I wanted to say to you. Just Hang there....if you need a life line let me know.
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Posted by Nubian
on 2008-04-02 23:32:40
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easytosay, i never but never roll my eyes at u. i am a worrier and a people pleaser and am so concerned about disappointing my friends that i can't seem to get what all of u are saying. i'll try harder.
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-04-03 15:21:55
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blue, i don't see a brave person. i see a coward here but i will look again and try to do it with bigger eyes and an open heart.
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-04-03 15:23:27
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prelude2, thanku so much also. u are new to my posts but very much appreciated for sure. i like that u seem to know some of what i'm going through. it's hard isn't it? i thought after i left the spouse things i would click my heels three times and it would be all over. boy, was i wrong! i know in several months i'll look back and think about all this and wonder why i was so scared and down but for right now its just difficult.
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-04-03 15:27:27
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nubian, i love the angels u sent me. they are beautiful. thank u. i hope u don't mind if i keep them for a while. i know i can depend on these wonderful people here. i just don't want to wear out my welcome. it is taking so long to feel better. how much longer do u think it will take? i know! stupid question! but maybe if i could put a timeline on it...........
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-04-03 15:31:54
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It's natural to feel low and in pain when you're in therapy. Everything is brought to the surface and you sometimes feel like you're drowning. You may hate your counselor, you might not want to go back because it's painful to dredge up the past. But, please continue. Once the onion is peeled, you will then have a plan of action with your counselor. You're building a rapport with him or her at first. Not sure what type of counselor they are, but there should be a timeline for you. Ask them about that. Every now and then, you should both revisit where you were and where you're going AND what you want to accomplish through therapy. Hang in there, Karen. You can do this, I have faith in you and you would NEVER overstay your welcome here! We all support you and you know, you have my number, as well. Any time you need a listening ear, I'm here for you.
Lots of love,
Ellie
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-04-03 16:46:48
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Just remember..to throw yourself a party, celebrate you..U've got so much to give..Unleash it postively..and remember you have my contact e-mail information should you ever need to talk.
God Bless
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Posted by SoulUnderConstruc...
on 2008-04-03 17:06:12
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ellie, what u said is almost exactly what my counselor (a she) said to me. she wants me to not forget that i may feel worse before i feel better bc i need to know why i feel like i deserve the treatment i get. i am terrified of what i will find out but i will stay. i'll not quit no matter what. it may be sort of interesting in a way. (smile) there may be a whole new karen underneath this skin. will i like her? is she a bitch? i do hope she is little bitchy don't u?
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-04-03 17:42:26
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soulunderconstruction. thanks for the nice comment and the pep talk. i'll try really hard to remember all u said. it made a lot of sense. all i need to do is set it in motion.
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-04-03 17:44:29
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