worked today (as usual) and it was tinkerbell's (as she in known by me at work now) weekend to work as usual. she only works every other and i do every one. she asked me how things are going on thoughts.com. i told her all was quiet (thank god) and she really needs to get back on and kick some more ass. she is so freaking funny. she likes to see the ass shes kicking.  let me tell u about her. she has been married before. her first one had 2 girls produced and her spouse wasn't too nice but dared never to touch her. she would've put him through the wall. ( she really would have) she divorced and met  her current man. this relationship produced a little boy and a little girl that are her whole world. she works full time and takes care of her man who is having a kidney transplant in about 2 weeks. they had been waiting for a donor and finally found one. happy day that was. her and her man want to get married and she has asked me to stand up for her. we talked about marriage and should she or shouldn't she and i told her i was not the one to ask such a question. i'm so torn right now, i don't know my self what i am to do in life. things change on a dime and can blow up in ur face without a moments notice. she has decided to marry her guy and i am happy for her (even though it means i have to wear a dress). they are going to wait until the transplant is over and he is healthy and better. since she is of medical training she is going to take care of him herself for the first 2 weeks he comes home. i'll miss her at work so much. she keeps me grounded, she really does. she is my advisor, my guardian angel, my ass kicker, my body guard, my friend, my confidante and i feel so safe talking to her. we sat outside today with my coffee and her juice and talked again about my last occurence with the spouse. i cried and cried and hoped no one would come out and see me making an ass of myself. they didn't. i told her when he raped me that day i felt like i had something ripped from me. it was the most alwful thing that can happen to a woman no matter who its from, stranger or spouse. it grinds the very essence of womanhood right into the ground. it takes away any sense of self respect and dignity u have left. it makes u feel so ashamed and i still don't know why. i did nothing, absolutely nothing. i don't think men understand how it affects a woman to be forced into having sex with someone, anyone they don't want to. the act itself is disgusting. the filth u feel is disgusting. the sadness of the whole thing is overwhelming, just overwhelming. i should have called her at the time it happened to talk to her but i knew, as well as i know my own name that she would get into that durango and kill him. she was right though i should've told someone. i needed a shoulder to cry on and to hold me and tell me that i didn't do anything wrong. i needed someone to tell me i was ok that i was not a terrible person and that i didn't deserve to be treated like that. i felt in my heart that i did. wow, thats a hell of a statement. i felt like i deserved to be raped. i was so into my self destructing mode that i would have stepped in front of a semi to feel pain. i was into destroying anything good in my life bc i know if i didn't destroy it first then i'd have to wait for it to get me. i had no faith in myself or what i could accomplish in life. i didn't think that i deserved anything or anyone and no one would ever truly want and love me. so i go for the juggular. destroy before getting destroyed. u be in charge of ur own destiny. be alone bc u will be alone anyways, right? no one will stay with u, no one will want u for long, no one wants u. i still feel like that to a point. i still feel like the world is against me at times. it's an uphill battle most of the time and i fight it each day of my life. i struggle for reasons to go on and stay alive to take another breath. i know dying is said to be the easy way out and maybe it is. i know also that they say all suicides go to hell and that i don't believe at all. i believe if a person takes out his whole family for example and then the coward takes out himself then yeah, he goes to hell for sure. but someone that is truly desparate and feels life is just too hard and just takes one too many sleeping pills or cuts a little too deep and goes to the other side, no, no one is ever going to convince me that they go to hell. a just god would never do that. a just god would cry over the fact that this person truly thought she had no other recourse. although death terrifies me, sometimes it seems a little too peaceful and serene. to close my eyes and never experience pain again. what a sense of calmness that brings to my mind. knowing my children would benefit tremendously financially, and that all would end then. oh yes, to me this sounds wonderful. but like all the others that have tread before me i'll keep trying to make sense of my life and try to mend all the fences i have torn down and all the messes i have made i will try and clean up and all the feelings i have hurt i willl try to make amends. and i know i'll fail at some or all of them.  i cannot do it all anymore. i can only try as tinkerbell said today. she also said if i ever killed myself she would kick my ass (and she would find a way to do just that). but i had to admit that i have had more than a passing thought of it lately. these last few weeks have been harder than anyone can possibly guess. i know i tell things on here but oh god if it were only as easy as that. now at my daughters home i sit and dwell alone and think of how my life has evolved and has ended up and i don't like it at all. i want someone in my life to love me. i want to love someone. sounds so simple when put into words like that but so impossible to attain. people don't stick around through thick and thin anymore. first bad patch ? slamming of the door and their footsteps walking away. no one stays around til the party is over. no one knows if they stick around the party will never be over. NOT REALLY!