Thoughts.com Blogs - THE FOG HAS LIFTED :)

went to work this morning thinking and over thinking about everything in my life right now. i seem to analyze everything i do these days. why do i do this? is there a reason for me to do that? do i want to eat that? (see? my humor is still intact) it was foggy this morning and dificult to drive and the closer i got to the city i work in the foggier it got. i kept on thinking.......... thats what my life has been like lately, very foggy and the closer i get to the answers i need the foggier it seemed to get.
what did i want in life? who did i want in that life? did i indeed want anyone in my life? this week i had a major breakthrough at my therapy and i also had a major panic attack while it happened. i've been scared so long of the unknown and what someone can do to me. been scared of getting hit.......getting called names........getting betrayed..........getting hurt again and again. i am a coward. i am a woman that is afraid of what life has to offer so i hide under a rock somewhere until the next time someone wants to take pot shots at me. that is the old karen. i don't deserve that. no one does. i'm angry for sure at some people in my life but even they don't deserve that shit. everyone should have some soft place to fall when they are in that lonely hour, when things seem so bleak that they don't think they can go on. we all want someone to love us and give us the happiness we want. we should find that within ourselves and not depend on someone else to do it. we should love ourselves unconditionally bc no one will do that.
i wasn't sure i wanted to come back here on thoughts but i've been keeping track of some friends and when i read one post yesterday suddenly my stupid shit didn't matter and my pride didn't matter and i knew she needed me as much as tinkerbell did this past week. i canceled my holiday for tink and canceled my ideas that this site can make or break me for her. i'll take my chances where ever i go from here on out. my friends will stay with me and those that don't were never my friends to begin with.
i have overcome so many obstacles in the last few weeks, it is mind boggling. i've thought of the men in my life and found out why i chose them. i have thought of why i did so many things that were bad for me and realized that when u think ur shit u do shitty things. tit for tat. i've gone to therapy three times a week sometimes bc i wanted to get back on track fast. u can't do it fast, u can only do it right. i admitted things, confessed to things, gotten pissed at things, became enraged and actually threw shit (yeah i did) across the room. i cursed and swore like a sailor at times and cried like a baby at others. i thought for a while the tears were a permanent fixing bc they were there at every turn, now they have subsided for a while at least.
on my way home this afternoon the sun was out (even though they were calling for storms). the sky was blue and it was a beautiful afternoon. i was smiling and listening to that great radio i have and thinking " the fog has lifted"..................sigh