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| SPOUSAL BLACKMAIL? IS IT ILLEGAL?
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this evening i went to get the local newspaper. thought i'd look up apartments since my day here with the spouse was not too wonderful (no comment here). got home and brought it upstairs. was looking at it when who came in the room? oh yes, the spouse, and saw where i was looking. to say i was afraid was putting it mildly. where the hell was that damn baseball bat? under the bed! jesus! i closed the paper and he was looking through me, i swear he was. i was told in no uncertain terms that if i proceeded to leave said house that i would be as sorry as i could be. this man has something on me that i wouldn't want jesus christ to know (although i'm sure he does). i was told he would tell my kids, my coworkers and my family all the details. i sat there just scared out of my mind not knowing what the next move would be. he knew i was down for the count this time at least. he knows i'd rather die a horrific death than disappoint my children or family. my mom is very sick and this would kill her for sure. it would also kill me. this would be the straw that literally broke the camel's proverbial back. this i can't take. this i won't do. mess with me. beat me. hit me. kick me when i'm down. do whatever the hell you want to do to me but do not take away the relationship i have with my kids and family. that i can never do. i don't know what to do. i can't talk about it to anyone and can't discuss it with anyone so i'm alone here in this fucking mess. i had the chills earlier and knew something was going down. my body tells me when things are not good. it must be my intuition. my stomach has been knotted all day and i've been unable to eat. i thought it was because i was upset over something else. now i think it was just the old tummy telling me "shit is coming". i must change my days of the week that i'm off. this morning when i heard the tv on i should have suspected it wouldn't be nice here. i should've left but where in the hell am i going to go? he knows i've been looking for a place and i supose he thought he'd better 'nip it in the bud'. somehow i have to work this out. i don't expect any comments because how can you comment on something you have no idea of what i am talking about? i'm sorry to be so evasive, but to me this is the final ass kicker. i'd rather this man beat me three times a day than pull this emotional and mental shit. the eye heals, the busted lip heals, the bruises go away but these things that are said are forever engraved in my brain. words are the worst form of abuse there is. words meant to hurt once said are not forgettable. you can say 'i take that back' but you can't. you can send flowers but the words are still there hurting and taking away the person you are inside, eating away at your very self. when the spouse says cruel things like today, it's not that he hurts my feelings. i could care less what that maggot thinks of me. he makes me doubt me. he makes me think not so great things, and he takes away my hope and without hope i have no chance in this world. i will find a way to work this out. i will try very hard. wish i had my puppy. i could talk to him and tell him the whole mess and maybe he could answer the questions. i will never mess up again in my life. never. if you're listening God, i mean it. oh, hell fuck it. i know i'll mess up again and lying to God isn't going to help here. he knows i'm full of shit too. i'll scratch my head and try to figure out yet another of life's hurdles. shall i try to reason with the spouse? try to reason with the finer side (cough, gag, cough, gag again) of him? lol this is a ridiculous conversation. i am literally talking to myself here because this time there is no one to answer. but if i were journaling this is the shit i'd write about in hopes that the answer is in the writing. i'm not ending this with the usual words. right now there is no peace and harmony.
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Posted by lastblastkl on 2008-03-10 20:16:00 | Rating: | Views: 82
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I don't know what you've done - but I don't think you can put up with this animal and the way he treats you.
Surely there is a way out? I'm not religious but I am praying for you.
You've become a friend on THOUGHTS.com and I care for your health, safety & Future.
whatever it is, surely can't be enough to keep you in this situation.??
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-03-10 22:31:58
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You know all of us here don't know the Big Secret but I can tell you that, nothing in your past could be worse than the crap this man has done.......So get it over with and be honest with the family..Which you already have been....See it wasn't that bad now was it????The Family loves you more for it...And for your mom, well she will understand and still love you all the more.....And besides, He (butt-munch) must of been a part to this secret or else how would he know it????So who is going to look like the ASS in the end????You are strong K and never forget who is on your side...............God bless you friend....
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Posted by Hollis
on 2008-03-12 08:02:08
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There is nothing that is bad enough that everyone that cares about you will disown you over. He has instilled this idea in you honey and is jusing it to his advantage. I'd just beat him to it and tell your family, bet you that there reaction wouldn't be HALF as bad as what he says and has made you think it would be. THEN what does he have to hold over you? Absolutely nothing dear!
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Posted by TheAlreadyJaded
on 2008-03-12 12:39:34
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hollis my girl, you were right. my kids love me unconditionally. they are purely pissed at their sperm donor father for putting me through this all this time. thank you again.
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-03-12 14:49:03
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alreadyjaded. my kids love me for sure. they proved it the last two days. i'm glad they're mine. last laugh is on the spouse.
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-03-12 14:50:24
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Girlfriend, we all here have done some dirt in our lifetime and noone has the right to show anyone eles dirt without showing thier own. Even if he decides to still try to make himself look good it will backfire it always does. Doesn't Clueless know this?
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Posted by Nubian
on 2008-03-12 16:37:56
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