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| LOST: ONE SOUL ! FOUND: NOTHING!
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POSTED tonight earlier and i have almost pulled it a dozen times. thoughts.com must think i'm a nutcase for sure. finally i made sure ass hole wasn't awake and jumped in the shower to scrub "again". the water bill will be up this month. i just let the water run over me for the longest time. after i got out i happened to look in the mirror and hardly recongnized the person staring back at me. who was this woman standing before me? her eyes are so sad. there is no shine in them. no twinkle any more. just an emptiness that is (i'm afraid) irreversible. they say the eyes are the windows to the soul. if thats true then mines lost. maybe i no longer have a soul. maybe i'm dead already and my body just hasn't caught up yet. maybe this is all just one terrible nightmare and i haven't woken up so it just goes on and on. maybe this is all just one big dream and someday i'll open my eyes and it'll be all over. the time just seems to be dragging by. yesterday i thought the nightmare would never end. i thought "this is not happening". i sit here now and feel the utter shame of it so badly. i always wondered why a rape victim felt ashamed of something she had nothing to do with. why did an abuse victim feel she did something to bring on the abuse? why does a person of molestation feel she did something to attract a molester? i sit here and wonder all three. time seems to just barely tick off when something like these things are happening to u. i swear i could hear the seconds yesterday when he was on me. he was so drunk. oh god, i relive it constantly. today at work i was talking like a puppet. it was like i was two people. my mind was filled with this filth and shame and sadness and my mouth was just running like it was roses and lollipops. one of the residents asked to see me and when i went out to see if something was wrong the woman wanted to tell me happy easter and to thank me for the beautiful breakfast i had made and the extra work i had gone through and to give me a hug. she had no idea that when she hugged me how bad i needed that. i just started to cry like a baby and she just held me so tight and i thought "please never let me go". she whispered in my ear. "ur my favorite person and i love u dear". i couldn't let her go. i just couldn't and she just held me so tightly and i think she knew it just wasn't the fact that she was thanking me that i was crying, it was more. i'll never forget her for that moment. for that moment i felt safe and warm. and i so need to hear those words "i love u karen". i need to feel them as well. it's been so damn long since i've felt anything and i just crave it so much. i'm so emotionally undernourished. i dream of the day i hear those words from someone that wants to join a life with me and ride off in the sunset and live. it's so strange how one person can break you and yet someone else can make you. and stranger yet how three little words can make a person so happy and yet not hearing them is the loudest silence while they are not being spoken. maybe i'm destined to never hear them again from a special person. maybe i'm only destined to hear them from my residents and friends. i want to look in the mirror someday and see someone who is loved. maybe i should hide a note outside somewhere and write as that little girl did " WHOEVER FINDS THIS WILL YOU LOVE ME?" maybe it's the wine i finally broke out (i needed it and deserved it tonight) thats making me feel all slobbery and mystic. maybe it's the last twenty four hours here. maybe it's life in general thats making me all teary and wanting. i don't know. i don't know who this stranger is sitting here getting tipsy. i don't know anything about her either except the lonliness she is feeling, the isolation, the emptiness in her heart and wondering what more can be taken from her.
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Posted by lastblastkl on 2008-03-24 03:03:42 | Rating: | Views: 97
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Sometimes God brings Angels in disguise, and your little resident is one of them..Take all the hugs and treasure them forever in your heart and believe in yourself as a strong woman...K please pack your bags now and leave...You will die if you don't..
Just take TS and a few clothes and get in your jeep and leave..Call your boss and explain yourself and hide...Don't worry about your bills, Just get out of there....A million hugs and prayers of protection coming to you....GET OUT OF THERE K PLEASE......
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Posted by Hollis
on 2008-03-24 04:31:14
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Karen, the weekends are always worse because he's home. Weekends are bad because we know people are with their families and seem to be happy. None of us really know the truth of some "happy homes". You deserve happiness, start with yourself. Small steps, but most importantly, you just have to forgive yourself. Who cares why you stayed!! So what. You are now aware that he has to go and if he doesn't, change the locks. If the house is in your name (I thought it belonged to your grandmother, right?) then you have every right to ask him to leave and help him by finding him an apartment for him to move in to.
I love what you said about some people break us, some make us. That was beautiful. Stay strong, Karen. XXX
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-03-24 16:37:33
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