Thoughts.com Blogs - LOOK OUT! TIDAL WAVE "AND" ALIMONY!

I'M sitting here listening to michael buble'. just one of the most romantic singers around in this day and age. love his new song "LOST". with my entire life just falling away in pieces i'm talking about michael buble. you know when a huge dam breaks away and floods everything in its path? takes everything with it like a tidal wave effect. thats what the spouse is doing to me and my life. hes taking away things that have always been around me and hes taking away my "self". some how in all of this i've lost who i am. what i stand for. what i believe anymore. i don't know how to get those things back. i try to act all brave and that things are ok, but when the door is shut and the computer is turned off the old truth of things creep up on me. now i'm told by the spouse that i may have to pay him alimony? why? because i'm the one working full time and he is not. he is having a hard time getting work because of a personal issue (ass holes don't like to work). can i be forced to pay this man that has taken beating to a new level? beating my dignity? beating my self esteem? beating me into thinking i'm worst thing that could happen to anyone? beating me into wishing i would rather be dead than go on with him? is there no justice in this day and age for the victims? i just do not get it. i just do not understand any more how the system works. i have a chance here to make a life for myself. i have had to give up so much in the last few months. things i'll never get another chance to have and i come home from work today and find out that while i'm out working my ass off hes checking with a lawyer to see if he can get alimony. who does he think i am? britney spears? well, thats a bad comparison, but u know what i mean. hell, i work damn hard for my money. i don't need a lot but i do like some comfort. i don't need a new car. i drive a 1990 jeep that i dearly love. although i did give it a new radio (lest we forget that). i buy things at flea markets and yard sales ( this is not a complaint, i love doing this). i recycle everything that i can. i decorate in country shabby chic ( used old stuff that i have grown to love). i eat at work and rarely eat at home because i'm simply not hungry here. i am so low maintenance, i couldn't get any lower. what more can i give up? i'm willing to give up my house. i'm willing to just sign it over and let him keep it. i've tried to hold on to it because it was my grandmas house but now it seems it just doesn't matter anymore. material things just don't matter at all. i'd rather be just happy with my little tabasco than have this misery in my life. he'll come out ahead financially as he always seems to anyway but i'm done. i'm spent. i feel hes won and i supose he'll have his woman coming in the back as i'm exiting the front. but in life we must pick and choose our battles and personally i'm just tired of fighting. i concede. white flag. if i don't, then god only knows where this will end. maybe with him killing me and him being the tax payers problem. maybe with a long legal battle over the house. maybe calling it a draw and splitting the profits (although i don't see this one happening). i don't like wasting any more of my life or time with this shithead. but u know what? i'm not sure i'll be considered a loser! really! whos really won here? whos coming out of this with her head held high? whos coming out of this with some pride and self respect? when i put my head on my pillow at night i'll be able to sleep with a clear conscience. i know i played straight and i played fair. i didn't steal money from his checking account. i didn't take his home. i didn't black mail him for years over something. i'm a decent person and i'll keep on being decent. i've been lost for a while now, but i think i'm finding me again. peace and harmony