Thoughts.com Blogs - LONLINESS IS A FOUR LETTER WORD!

lonlieness is an ugly word. i've decided that i can be alone, no sweat. i even like being alone sometimes. you know to read, get things done with no interruptions. just relax. yeah, being alone is not a bad thing. too much is though. i am officially LONELY though. i look to this computer to give me comfort and company. and sometimes it works and others not so much. like today for instance. i had expected to connect up with friends and it fell through. the spouse is home and so i am definitely a prisoner upstairs and without being able to come and go as i please i am lonely. i don't make friends easily at all. i trust too little and need too much. sometimes i hold back and yet other times i am too forward, so therefore i am alone most of the time. i wish my puppy was here. i need that comfort and touch and love from a living breathing thing. i have a couple people i can count on and i have a trip all planned out for the summer, point in fact i have two trips planned out. one is out west and one down south. i've never traveled alone but am definitely up for the task. the trip down south is with others though and i am driving myself. i don't want to be without a car and i don't want to be at the mercy of others. i'll never be at the mercy of another again. not a good thing, not a good thing at all. but anyway back to the lonely thingy. i got on the computer thinking i'd catch up with a friend and when that fell through i just basically felt this overwelming sense of lonliness. like "what the hell am i going to do today?". i did my laundry and can't do what i had planned because the "WARDEN" is on duty and everytime i go down stairs he questions me as to what am i doing. i wish i was more computer savy. then i could do things and check out things and use it more efficiently. as it is, i just play games, IM people sometimes, pay bills, and journal. not much of an existence for sure. lonely sucks big time. i hate that empty feeling. maybe thats why i love work so much. i have people to talk to and i know they will talk to me and not make me feel bad (well, sometimes maybe. but thats inevitable). theres always something do and there is music all day. yeah, i like it there. tomorrow riley will be with me all day so i won't be lonely on that day even if ass hole is here (hopefully he won't be). i let my life be ruled by people. i need to be stronger. i let asshole tell me bad shit and then believe it. i let him keep me prisner in my upstairs because i'm too afraid to go down stairs. it's like a prison here anymore. FUCK!! thought i could get through one blog without the everpresent F--- word. sorry! sometimes it's just needed. maybe i'll do some shopping for my new puppy online. hes coming here next week and will need a few things. i already have puppy pampers and some spray for training him. i've got us enrolled in school (puppy kindergarten). working on a name. i'm pretty sure which way i'm heading but i won't reveal it until i get him and can post a photo. then you can all meet my new man. someone asked me about the spouse and said puppy. i haven't told the spouse about my new room mate yet. he'll find out when i bring him home. i really don't think he'll care one way or the other as long as he doesn't have to spend any time or money with him. and i do have a baseball bat beside my bed these days (oh yes i do!!!) to take care of any thing else that needs to be taken care of. i also put locks on my doors to keep him out. i have a giant black skillet that is readily available too if needed. i consulted some wise, wise person and found out that i can indeed use said baseball bat on said asshole if said asshole seems on the "attack" mode. and although i am not a violent person, i will pummel his ass. i will hit a double, triple, freaking home run with that sucker. what has happened to me? is this what it's like to reach a breaking point? i guess i found out that my life is worth more than hes been telling me it's worth. i'm still as dumb as a box of rocks but hell i've never been the brightest bulb in the box anyway. i don't care if i don't know how to get people in my friends list and they stay forever in the limbo of "thinking it over" or whatever it says i'm doing. they know i'm their friend. i am a good friend. if they are on my bookmark or friends list, then it's a "good thing" (as martha stewart says). i don't know what a browser bar is. does it serve vodka twist shooters?? i don't know how to do the IM thingy unless it's on thoughts.com. I AM (get it IM?) DUMB. BUT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE. SOMETIMES DUMB IS FUN! sometimes dumb is innocent. sometimes dumb is not necessarily not knowing but not wanting to know. i think i fall into that category at times. but i do try to learn. i have a poor memory so i write things down. i have a book here somewhere with all my notes and no sense of organization. at work i am ms efficiency and ms organization but not here at home. i ms mess. ms. pack rat. ms. where in the hell did i put that? i just put my headset on, so don't worry if start getting really morbid here. music can work two ways on me. it can either lift me so high i have to look down to see the moon and stars or it can depress me to the point i don't want to wake up to see the sunshine. funny how that is. i think being lonely has a lot to do with it so maybe music isn't a good idea , but i'm dumb so i'm not responsible here today. god, i wish my pup was here. i need a hug so badly right now or a little nuzzle. i want him curled up in my lap and loving me. i want to hear him breathing so i know i'm not alone anymore. i want to feel his little wet nose on my neck. it's a huge undertaking for such a little guy. but i'm sure hes up for it. hes my unconditional friend. no expectations, never judging me for what i do or don't do, just wanting to be with me and listen to my complaints and my happy thoughts. totally unconditional love. that'll be something new. we as humans could learn a lot from animals. you can yell at them and they still want to be petted. we can ignore them and they still want to be loved. we can be mean to them and they still love us. i want to be the best owner in the world. i have this huge, enormous, gigantic, tremendous, stupendous amount of love that is currently not being used and it needs direction and hes going to get it. every bit i can give him. he will be my best friend forever. my favorite song is playing and everyone that knows me knows thats OVER THE RAINBOW. wouldn't it be nice if we could really live over the rainbow with no pain, no expectations, no problems, no worries? to be able to just love and be happy with what God has given us? to not expect anything more than what we actually need in life? what a wonderful concept! i'm finding out more and more just what i need and it isn't more money or more shit. it's human contact, human communication. i realize why people want comments on their blogs. it's not that they care about what others think necessarily. it's that human contact thing. it's the fact that someone else cared enough to take the time to write that "hey i noticed you, i thought of you, i care about you". we all need it so badly. we all need it to live, to thrive, to get through this shit hole that is life. we all need to be accepted for who and what we are. we all need to be nurtured. when i was doing my 2 years of peace corps (actually it was americorps) thingy i was assigned to a family center. i told about it in one of my blogs. one of the things i did was help with children (ages 0 - 4yrs) while the teens or whatever ages studied for their geds. i had this baby given to me one day that no one could get to smile or do anything. i loved this child from the moment he was put into my arms and i just held him and sang him a little ditty and just loved him. every day i would do this when the mother came in. every day he wouldn't do anything, just sort of nothing. the mother was almost indifferent to him. i didn't understand. i found out it was a failure to thrive baby. he just didn't want to be there i don't think. i never gave up on him. i made it my mission to be with this baby and one day he just started to smile and laugh and coo. it was literally a miracle. the mother eventually came around and all ended up well (she got her GED too). but this empty face on this baby haunts me to this day. i made a difference in this families life. not that i was a miralce worker or anything but i gave this child everything i had and it was in fact just what he needed. i felt like the sun touched my soul when he looked at me and started smiling. it was a magnificent moment for sure. i saw him the other day and he has a sibling now and all is well and copesetic. it takes human contact whether it be over this damn computer or in person. it takes humans being human. no one should feel alone or feel like there will never be anyone for them. there is. there is always someone here and there. we just need to reach our hands out and we need to take those hands that are given us and hold tight. hold on for dear life. hold like your life depends on it and may. never, never be afraid to ask for help or take it if its given. if you don't take it, you are the loser. well, i've been on my soapbox long enough here. i'll give you all a break. just be kind, be loving, be compassionate and be human. peace and harmony