i have a question that is just too much for me anymore. i need to know how some can screw others to the wall so bad and rip them up one side and down the other and then when it happens to them they get all sanctimonious? i am finding it so diffiucult to comprehend it is boggling my poor brain. if i hurt someone and i have done it plenty of times, i'm sure and ashamed of each one deeply. i know i am doing something not nice when i do it. i'm not one of these people that doesn't know it, but we choose to do it anyway for whatever reason. we all know it. we all know when we are being hurtful or unkind. we know when we are being unfaithful to a friend or loved one. we know when we are being disloyal and betraying them. it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know any of this shit. but when we do it are we so numb to the fact that when it comes around to getting some of the shit back we don't see that maybe what "goes around comes around" and life has a way of returning the "favor". 
    lately i've gotten it bad. i've been fucked over royally by others. true, maybe i deserved it. but the ones i deserved it from wern't the ones who did it to me. so what does that say? that says interlopers took it upon theirselves to help themselves to my life and others too. in my case it was a good thing. i was devestated at first bc it cost me dearly, so dearly. i almost lost what life i had left in it. i almost took my own life over the fact that i  betrayed  someone and was in fact betrayed in the process. talk about "turn about is fair play"? i couldn't imagine waking up another day and feeling this sort of pain on top of what i was already going through. it was the single lowest point of my life i think. i never want to feel those sort of things again. absolutely never. it was a hell of my own making and i don't like what it did to me. i was in a haze for over a week, truly i was. 
  now it seems the shoe is on the other foot for some and when i read the crap of 'why do bad things happen to good people' and 'how can u hurt someone so wonderful' i literally wanted to puke. why did they fuck with me and my life? why did they think that they could betray a confidence and let their mouth run amuk? do they not think kharma has a way of boomeranging and coming back to kick ur ass? although i hate to see anyone hurt i must say it was a feeling of "justice" and  i am ashamed to admit it. two wrongs do not make a right and it's wrong to see others harassed but somehow.................
  i am a good person and i know it. today the spouse contacted me and asked me to stop by and set up his cell phone. said he couldn't do it and i believed him (he is no genius for certain) . i said some serious prayers and let others know where i was going (against heavy objections from tinkerbell) and did indeed stop on my way home from work. i cannot keep running my entire life from the fear of the unknown, i simply cannot. i let him know immediately that others knew i was there and were waiting for me to call in 15min. and then 10 min after that and so on for however long i needed to do it and i called my daughter right away so he knew i wasn't bullshitting. was i stupid? maybe! but i did program his cell phone and left with my dignity in tact. i felt better, a little shaky but i felt fine. he is feeling very deserted from the kids and me.  what a fucking shame! don't u think? he feels betrayed by all of us bc he wasn't invited to the easter dinner. too bad, so sad! i don't know how the male mind works in some men but i do know that a hypocrite is a hypocrite. betrayal is betrayal and to feel no remorse or compassion for the person it is done to is probably the pits. i want to do better therefore becoming a better person. i want to give no one else to ever wonder about my loyalty or qualities as a friend.  i hope i'm the kind of person that learns from their mistakes and i think i am and tries to not repeat them again. i want to move on and do better. i have some mini goals for myself and hope to accomplish all on my list. they are small ones for sure but i think i'll do ok. don't u?  peace and harmony