didn't blog yesterday. why?  i had started a few but couldn't seem to get them done. too bad! they were pretty decent. so what to write here???? today is valentine's day. happy about it? not sure yet! looking forward to more?? possibly! potential in the future valentine's days in my life?? definitely looking up!! am i making any sense except to me and the blessed few that know? absolutely not! will they get to read this?? most likely NOT! i;m finding my self getting even more private than ever. i find myself taking things off my profile that i don't want "OUT THERE". but on the other hand i'm having pictures put up so i am "out there". it's difficult talking to someone with no face to put to the words. you need some kind of face, be it the boogey man or typhoid mary. so i think i fall between those two. i'm better than the boogey man and not as bad as typhoid mary. i'm also having some photos of my family put up. my daughter steph and her two little ones (one being my scottie who passed away in august 07), my daughter heather and her spouse and little girl, my sons  girls, and the munchkins i watch on tuesdays i.e jared who is most of the time in school and the famous "it's tuesday, so it must be my day with riley" riley. i hope anyone that sees them will think "what a wonderful family she has". with the exception of "the spouse" who is as useful as tits on a worthog my immediate family is pretty good. i'm fortunate and very blessed for sure. i'm glad i was so young when i started out because i'm still young enough to do things with them and appreciate them. i'm still "mom" when need be and just plain "karen" when i need to be. i hope it always stays that way. i know people with absolutely no connection whatsoever to their children. how sad it must be to go through life with such a disconnection to loved ones. may i never have that in my lifetime. last nite my daughter came to see me to be sure i knew i was thought of on this St. Valentine's day. she knew that i have had nothing for a long time. i thought i was immune to such emptiness. i was inoculated from feeling such lonliness on such days wasn't i? didn't i get the booster for lonliness and pain?? thought i did ! didn't i have the cure-all for that too? guess not because when she came with a valentine for me even though it was from her and not "someone special" it still meant a lot to me. i felt that twinge of lonliness creep up behind me. it touched my shoulder and whispered in my ear "i"m back". god, how i hate that feeling, that awlful feeling that for the rest of what life you have that it's never going to be any better than what you have right now. i detest people telling me that "it'll get better" and "you're in charge of your own destination". god that is such bullshit! life pulls the fate card out and you're fucked big time. i can't speak for other women in like situations but i can tell you i've done this before. i've been in two other relationships where my face gets used as the "mike tyson punching bag" and i have gotten out with barely the clothes on my back and my life. this time it's so much more difficult. money is so much tighter. things are more expensive, apartment rents are through the roof, utilities are crazy. cost of living is sky high  and i am not one to live on assistance. i want to pay my own way. so if i stay here with "the spouse" it doesn't mean anymore than a financial thingy. i don't sleep with anyone. i don't even eat with anyone. i don't speak to anyone (other than on this thing), oh and the occasional phone call (and lately they have been SOME phone calls, i will admit). but as sure as i know my name is karen i know that my ship will arrive and i'll be free and clear. i will be happy again. oooohhhh it's time to get ready for work. eeewwww but we all must do what we must do. so til tonight my friends!  peace and harmony!