Thoughts.com Blogs - HIDE AND SEEK ! IS IT A GAME OR MY LIFE?

i'm listening to celine dion's cd "MIRACLES". i love her singing. she puts such passion into every note. MIRACLES is an older cd but i still love it. tabasco sauce fell asleep to it. it's a beautiful collection of songs for sure. last night michael buble and a glass of wine and this evening celine dion and prescription pain killers. either way i'm feeling pretty good. i had a little accident and advil just wasn't doing it. so now i'm mellowed out real good. i have a couple days off coming up after tomorrow so if i can get through Easter Sunday i'll be fine.
worked like a fiend today and felt so wasted when i left. but i got home and was greeted with my little baby dancing around and wagging his little tail. he looked like he was doing my happy dance. hes so cute. the bonding continues. this morning when my alarm clock went off at 5 a.m. he was sleeping in the crook of my arm and his little head was resting with his face looking up towards me. he opened one eye and just looked like he was thinking "is it time to get up already mom?". he stretched and just nestled even deeper. i hated to move him but i had to so i did. he was ready in seconds to start the day, tail wagging, bright eyes, jumping around, and yapping. i put him on the floor and he follows me around everywhere. he sits in the bathroom while i do my hair and make up. sits on my pillow while i get dressed. and then cries when i leave. he is becoming the love of my life right now. he loves me so unconditionally. no expectations. no putting me down or making me feel stupid. no sarcasm or hatefullness. no hitting, no black eyes or pulled hair. just simple, pure, perfect acceptance of who i am and what i am. the expression "man's best friend" is not wasted on this precious gift i have here. i've told him things i'm not even comfortable talking about on thoughts or to any human being. i've told him things that God Himself dosen't know or acts like He doesn't know. i've entrusted to him my deepest darkest secrets only because sometimes u need to say things out loud just to validate them. i've had things inside me lately that are so deep and not being dealt with that for the first time in a long time i actually said the words out loud. i've needed to do this. there is never anyone to tell them to or help deal with them. some things are too painful to say to another person. maybe someday i will speak of these things. maybe someday i'll finally say the unspeakable words that only tabasco knows for now. funny, i go through life trying to hide things from the world. i try to leave the shit of my daily existence at the door when i go to work or talk with someone outside of work. i can literally get the crap beaten out of me and if u talk to me 10 min. later on the phone or computer u would never know anything happened. i've done it and do it regularly. what does that say about me? what does that say about my relationships with others? what does that say about my trust level of others? am i afraid of what they will say? or think? will they blame me for things beyond my control? i hide things. my life has become a game of hide and seek. hide and seek has become a second job. am i ignoring the shit of life because i can't deal with reality? or the look of doubt in someone's face? or the questions? i had to deal with teens a few years ago and i was often the person they would go to when something happened in their lives. i was the person they came to when they just wanted to unload shit. one boy came to me and told me something he had done during a gang fight with a group of boys. there was not another single human being he had ever told, he said he just needed to tell someone so he could move on. another teen girl had told me something that was done to her and she felt so ashamed and just needed to speak the words. i kept their secrets and continue to do so to this day and will take them to my grave. they knew this about me. they are lucky to have felt that connection with someone. i didn't know then just why they felt the need to do it but today i do. today i do. today, here in this room, on this day, i know.