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| from sad to morbid in one blog!
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i've had a nice few days lately. my friends at work gave me a 27" tv for christmas and i finally got it hooked up. it's great. i'm finding my little private nook upstairs isn't so bad lately. i am keeping separate from my "so called spouse", and it seems to be working. i keep a safe distance from him and he seems to be staying away from me. yay!!! is this what it's like for most victims of domestic violence?? are we all "happy" in our own little spaces as long as we stay away from the abuser?? as long as he is calm and not punching us or abusing us in other ways we are "happy"?? it seems so pathetic and sick, but unless you are a victim you will never understand. why do we stay?? my reason is financial. i cannot afford to go, so i stay and unless i do something unintentional things aren't too bad. i wish i had the financial resources to leave and get a little place of my own. anyone know any rich benefactors?? just kidding! but someday it will happen for me. i need to keep the faith or it becomes too much emotionally to handle. a person needs to believe in something better or else they just plain give up. sometimes when it gets really bad i fear there is no ending in sight and i go into a blind panic of some type. i just get panic stricken that no body will help. the last time i called the police it seemed like a nightmare because after they got here they all were just standing around talking with him like some twisted "boy's club". is it any reason i detest the male species so much? i used to write in my journal every night and i filled so many pages with thoughts and pain and suffering and some happiness until i came home from work one evening and found my diaries on my bed and my spouse raging with anger. he had read my journals and was furious with me that i would write such things. i got it good that night and never wrote another word. thats why i write here because hes too dumb to find this and hes too ignorant to use a computer. so my friends unless he is somewhere in cyber space or has an ignorant twin i'm safe here. but God help me if he find this because my life would be over! maybe i should write my last will and testament on this thing and if for some reason i go away it will be on record somewhere. i am an organ donor. thats very important to me that someone benefits from my departure. i'd like to know that part of me will go on and see and feel happiness sometime. i've decided that the rest of me is to be cremated. thats very important to me too. i do not want a viewing or big funeral, just some kind words and then my ashes to be spread over places that made me feel good. thats about it. not much huh???? well this blog has gone from sad to morbid so i'll sign out for now. |
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Posted by lastblastkl on 2007-12-03 16:01:27 | Rating: | Views: 62
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