POSTED an earlier blog about the evening with my family tonite. i didn't want to mess it up with crap from other areas of my life. strange? i know! i'll save the crap for a separate blog, and here it is! 
  i'm leaving for my trip this week. i keep saying its a "trip" and it is. but its not like i'm going to hawaii or something. i'm going to visit a friend i haven't seen in while. she has emailed me and told me she has a big surprise for me. she doesn't have to say any more. i know what it is and already told her "no thank u". she is a hopeless romantic, i mean a hopeless one. she thinks all good women should have a good man. i mean thats her philosophy in life. i told her please no men, no blind dates and no set ups. i can't face anyone right now. i don't want to look at anyone right now. i'll find someone my self when i think the time is right. don't do me any favors. i'm afraid i'm talking to a deaf woman here. she has wanted the spouse gone for so long. the are mortal enemies (spouse and her) and the fight is over and she is going to make things even now ( or so she thinks). NOT! how do u tell a friend not to interfere? how do u tell a friend that u don't want her help? i know, i know! just like i just said it, right? DUH!!! i have people in my life that have seen such horrendous shit with me and now they want me to have everything i should've had all along.  i am still reeling over this internet thing. i can't go face to face with someone. they would surely see the sadness in my eyes. they would feel the anxiety from me too. i don't want them to pay for a past thing and they would. i think we all pay for past things in relationships. someone screws up! someone gets hurt! the next person pays the price! thats just the way it is! happens all the time. we women bash all men for what the chosen few have done to us, don't we? i do! someone asked me once why i did it and why women did it. i thought about it and tried to change the way i looked at it. i know men do the same thing. all u have to do is read the blogs here and see that both sexes do this. we generalize everything bc its easier and more polite than naming people like "tom, dick and harry did this and did that" or "suzie q and jane doe and barbie over there screwed me to the wall". yeah, we all do it at some point, and its a shame bc all men and all women aren't responsible for the shit that goes on in our lives. just the "chosen few". the ones we choose to get involved with, the ones we choose. yeah, gotta accept responsibility for some of the crap. don't like it but gotta do it anyways. no one likes to think they are responsible for the bad shit in their lives and we all are to some extent.
  last night i had a dream again. a nice one. a sweet one. the first one in a while. i saw his eyes again and they still look through me like i'm a veil of silk. he came to my room and stepped inside. he backed me up to the wall and never took his eyes from mine. i couldn't look away as hard as i tried. it was an eerie feeling but an excited feeling. he had me in his look. i was his and he knew it. it wasn't bad just so.............. i don't know the word i want to use here. the dream went in the direction that u may assume it went and i woke up to a 5 am alarm. "DAMN IT" it's like watching a tv show for weeks and missing the last episode. i want to see who this person is so bad. who do these eyes belong to? who is this masked man????? (just kidding, hes not masked) but this same person always, always there. i have another dream where i'm in the same house. a beautiful house but the same one all the time. i don't know where it is but i know i'm happy there, so happy. michael buble is singing "DREAM". how ironic is that??? we all have dreams. we all want the magic bubble with the prince that charges in to take us away from all the shit we deal with. we all have fantasies of making love with someone that just wants to be with us and no one else. we all want the dream of a fairy tale and the happy ending.......and they lived happily ever after..........sigh.......I KNOW I DO!