i wasn't going to blog today. i didn't think i had anything to say. but i think i never have anything worth while to say. i am my own worse critic. i am so hard on myself and don't really know why. u would think i'd let up on myself a little and give me a break. hell no i won't. i bitch about God not giving me one and then i go and do the same thing. i was a bitch at work today too. i don't know whats happening to the nice person that used to exist in this body. what happened to the girl that smiled all the time? did she just cease to exist? did she die? is there hope for her safe return? i get so tired of being up one day and then something happens and i'm down for the next two. yesterday i wrote a blog and it sounds almost mysterious in a way, but in actuality it is not. i have kept the secret of being beaten and abused away from the spotlight. i havne't told anyone. along the way other things have happened to me and so i kept them secret as well. because i kept them secret i gave birth to more. it is like a rippling effect and the more you harbor secrets the more that are created and soon u have a terrible delemma. where does it stop? it stops when i take my last breath. i'm sure some people would understand at least the ones on thoughts.com would. i have never in my life seen such understanding, compassionate, wonderful people as i have on this site. u are all just terrific. the spouse keeps racking shit up and i keep letting him. i'll be so glad to unload that piece of shit. hes like a giant manure pile that just stinks and sits there. maybe i should do as theamandachronicles did and poop scoop. i could poop scoop my life and get rid of the bag of shit here. he keeps changing the game plan here and adding insult to injury. and his big thing now is "it's my word against his" and "as my spouse he has rights". so u can imagine what has been done to me. i weep at my honor being taken from me yet again. i weep at my fragile existence being ripped from me like the clothing i wore. i weep for my dignity that i know i'll never get again. i mourn for my loss of trust. i mourn for the loss of my power over my life and my body. i shower and it doesn't help. i wash the filth of his touch. i never feel clean. i try and wash the smell of him off me and can't. i try and scrub him off me and out of me. i am raw with pain and my body is red from washing. i have taken shower after shower after shower. i tried to talk to my special person last nite and just couldn't get the words out. i tried to contact another friend and couldn't. how do i say those evil words. i can barely think them. i can hardly say the word. it is vile. it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. it makes me wretch in spasms. does he have a right to me? a right to do things to my body? against my will? i can never wear those clothes again. i can never have those sheets on my bed again. i spray my room with air freshner. try to get it out. he can't just change the game plan like that! he can't just decide that he has "rights" and think that he'll start a new chapter. i want the beatings to begin again. i want to be terrorized again if this is the exchange. if this is the charge off then i'll take the former. this? i cannot take. never knowing when again. never knowing the next time. being afraid to shower or bathe or undress. always on the alert. always having the radar on. never relaxing, never resting, always awake waiting for the other shoe to fall. i wish i could crawl into the computer and let the cyber people take care of me forever. crawl into the phone and let my friend make me feel safe and protected again. will i ever feel safe again? will i ever trust another man? will i ever put my life in another man's hands? what amazes me is how i can keep secrets! how i can go to work and pretend nothing is out of kilter that everything is copesetic and good. i should win the academy award for bullshitting. i should get something from all this. maybe a piece of heaven, hell i don't know i believe that either. i believe in pain and suffering. i believe that we all don't necessarily get in life what we deserve, that a good many of us just get fucked. we lose our families and friends and our very lives that we know. we lose our existence. we lose ourselves in this shitty world we call our lives. to my friend, i am so sorry i couldn't tell u last night what i needed to say. i'm sorry u had to read it here. i'm sorry i didn't trust enough that u would have said the right thing and left me cry for what i had lost. do i keep this post private? do i expose myself as the failure i am? i feel so ashamed again over the uncontrollable, the unexpected, the unforgivable. why can't i just find the secret of a good loving life? that secret i could live with. that secret should be mine for the taking and isn't even within my grasp. all of a sudden nothing matters. nothing that meant anything yesterday this time. i hate life. i hate what life deals us. thank god i have the next two day off because i don't want to be near anyone or have to do the small talk things outside these wall. i just want to close my eyes, rest a weary mind and forget all that life has "given" me. i want to let my worries go and forget what life has allowed. i want some peace in life. some calm. some love. i want a good clean life again. if anyone reads this i ask one thing. please do not judge me. please do not make me feel any worse than i already do.  this i ask of u.