i think i need to explain a couple things to a lot of great people and a schmook or two (or one). first let me start with i am a victim (although i don't like that word) of abuse, no actually i am a survivor of abuse. most recently as two days ago. i have the shiner to prove it and it is mending as we speak. i've been given a lot of advice and so much support it is unbelievable. people are under the impression that i just sit and take it and have taken it for years. that is only part true. this man was a good man for a lot of years. alchohol is my enemy. it is the ultimate tool of the abuser. it changes a sane person to an enraged monster. it takes a serene situation and makes it violent and bloody. yes alchohol is my enemy and i have several. there is no love in this house at all (thus my need for a new puppy). there is no joy or laughter. there is nothing. this is an empty house. it's just a shell of wood, plaster, glass and shit. nothing is here at all. a sad commentary of my once filled with children and giggles home. i have called 911. i have called so many times that i could tell you who was on and what night they were going to show up on my doorstep. let me tell you about one of those calls. i called 911 and while i had the aide on the phone he was threatening my life screaming things that i wouldn't want a public servant to hear for sure..i had several cops show up (as usual) and while i was taken to the kitchen by one, several others stayed in the living room with the spouse. he was telling them hunting stories and they were all laughing and joking and a calm took over me when i saw it and thought it is a "boys club". i was asked to leave said home and he was invited to stay. i left with the clothes on my back and slept in my car on a dark highway where no one would find me. i was cold and hurt and yes, thinking where was god. why he was back on the north end of town watching tv in the warm with ass hole. i went back the following morning to get a shower and clean clothes and was informed by him that i was a loser. i was a mere woman that wasn't going anywhere. spouse 1 me 0. i got pictures of the black and blue ear, the cut behind the ear where my pierced earrings were shoved into my head, the scalp that was hairless from where he pulled my hair out dragging me down the stairs, the black eye (hes good at those), the bruised cheek, busted lip, and the literally hundreds of bruises all over me. yeah, i got pictures alright. spouse 2 me 0 i was going into court with my photos and kick some spousal ass. he was told to come to the police office and i thought he wasn't coming back. they would have to arrest him. thats the way the law worked right? he did come back. all they wanted was his finger prints. we went to court and the judge explained that the charges were spousal abuse , etc. etc. and that the soul person bringing up these charges was me. what happened to the da that was suposed to help me? where was the policemen that saw the shit and were suposed to have helped me? i will never forget in my lifetime when the spouse turned around and looked at me with such rage and anger for "doing this to him". i knew it was over as soon as the judge put the entire thing on me. i was as good as dead. he was given 5 yrs. probation, ordered to AA, ordered to marriage counseling, private therapy for anger management, and family counseling. all this for the price of one life, "mine". all guns were to be taken from the home and all weapons such as hunting shit. can you believe that? like taking his hunting knives was going to deter him! we came home in the loudest silence i've ever heard. now, let me tell you the after part. he never attended any private therapy session at all. one family counseling session, no marriage counseling, and no AA meetings. the guns were left in said house and were used as a tool to threaten me with. it's amazing how loud a gun sounds when it's being cocked for you. he did have to show up once a month to a probation agent to report and take a urine test to make sure he wasn't drinking. hell he knew the exact moment he had to stop drinking to make sure the test was clean. after several threats and shoves and pushes i called his probation officer and told her he wasn't doing anything he was ordered to do and he was drinking and . she asked me to find the shells to the guns and hide them and then to sit tight. i am still sitting tight.spouse 3 me 0 and for the gun shells? he went out and got more. that is one instance of the legal system and me. the legal system showed me i don't count and showed him that he has a lot of power. i have had hospitals ask the question about abuse and that only got me pamphlets and a big zero. spouse 4 me 0 so i sit here and want to scream at those that think i've done nothing for years. i have done plenty. i have tried and tried and tried. i have photos from my ob/gyn when he raped me so violently i had black and blue thighs. then something happened that tied my hands. i can't and won't go into it for it is so painful that i couldn't even begin to find words to describe it. but it locked me in for a long time and still continues to lock me in. i hate this man. i am terrified of this man's power over me. but i will continue to try and make a life and continue to leave a mark on this world. things are rarely black and white, rarely. there is so much gray in the world. those that say " JUST LEAVE THE SON OF A BITCH" haven't a clue. they don't know me or my situation. they know nothing of which they speak. if they did know the ugly shit they would'nt be so quick to judge me. i'm going to bed now and hope this may have helped you understand me a little more. anyway spouse 5 me 0 i hope the scores change soon.
peace and harmony.