Thoughts.com Blogs - AND NOW YOU KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY..........

THIS morning i am sitting here (as usual on mondays) having my coffee with tabasco on my lap (well actually he wants down now) reading my morning blogs. it's quiet here at jens. jared is off to school and riley went with jen to run errands, so i have the house to myself for a while. i miss having that personal time to myself so much. u know? the times where u can walk around naked if u want (not that i do that! lol) or just do shit that u can't do when their r others in the house. i want a place of my own very much so i can have visitors and dinners and things like that. now b4 anyone starts sending me comments about being ungrateful for a safe place or being appreciative that i don't have the spouse or being thankful for a home DON'T. i know i'm lucky to have a place to live and i know its only a temporary shelter. i don't want to intrude on my daughter's home any longer than i have to. i'm so ready to begin a new chapter in life and start fresh. i start my counseling today and am scared and excited at the same time (sort of like (i guess) it'll be with sex again! LOL). what will be revealed about me? will i find out i'm really a BIG WIENIE? bigger than i even know? passive beyond reproach? hopeless? a big zero? a totally nonrefundable person emotionally? will i find out i am worth something? that i am indeed just what my great cyber friends (cream of the crop cyber friends) say? will i be able to kick the track record of picking losers and finally get a back bone and choose a real man? that one i think is very doable! will i find out i'm a good person with a good heart that just makes very stupid choices sometimes and not the putz i have made myself out to be? these are very scary questions to me. i don't think i'm going to like the person underneath the layers of shit that i know are about to be peeled away. who am i if not the weinie? who am i if not the woman at the end of a fist? what am i if not the person with the split lips or black eyes? hell i don't know! i've been that person for so many years i can't remember.
i was 18 when i fucked up the first time. i was beaten til i was almost dead (literally). he thought he killed me more than once and finally had to take me to the doctor. my own family would not have recognized the face i had on. my eyes were swollen shut, my nose was broken, my cheek bone shattered, teeth knocked out, bruises so dark i looked like a new race of purple and black people. lips so split i couldn't answer a simple question without bleeding again and again. busted rib or two and a busted eardrum from the poundings. literally could not swallow solid food for a week. to this day i cannot watch a person getting a physical beating on tv especially women, TO THIS DAY! my days consisted of getting up at 4 am and doing my housework and laundry and then gong to work at 630 and coming home at lunch to fix him lunch and doing what housework i could and then going back to work til 430 and then coming home and fixing him dinner and serving it to him IN BED (he worked nights and wanted to sleep) and waiting til he finished and then waiting til he wanted to have or not have sex. i had to sit with him and watch tv and do no cleaning up or anything til he left at 1145pm for work. then i cleaned up and usually got to bed at 2 or 3 and it started up the next day again. as god as my witness this was the way i lived daily with this man. the beatings were so severe that one night he tore my slacks right down the side seam and i ran out and ended up sitting on the stoop all night of the apartment complex with a tee shirt on and these torn down the entire side slacks. i stayed with this spouse UNTIL he beat the shit out of my sweet little dog. beat him after me one night and broke his jaw too. my "need to protect" others kicked in and i left with the clothes on my back and my dog.
my mother being the "wonderful" woman she was (sarcasm here) couldn't tell me enough how much of a loser i was. i knew i fucked up and the last thing i needed was someone telling me that day after day after day. i was a piece of shit in her eyes and a loser with a capital L on my forehead. when jim came along (an ex boyfriend) and was kind to me and treated me with kindness i ate it up like a dog that had been starved. i jumped right on it. i craved kindness and compassion so much it was unreal. to make a long story short i became pregnant with my son. not a good thing to do in the house of "mother". now i was not only a loser but a common whore. so she gave me 48 hrs. to get the hell out of "HER" house. i called jim the next day and told him i had to get out and he went and got me an apartment (with the condition that he came with it). why are there always conditions? can't anyone do something nice without them? anyway, the 48 hrs came and my father (who hadn't said much til now) came to me right before i was to leave and said i could stay and not to listen to mother. i knew they had a terrible arguement and he must have won. what did i do being the weinie i am? i so just wanted to stay and have my baby and go to college and just live my life but i was scared of jim and the fact that he had set up this apartment for me and what was i going to do? leave him stuck with shit? no, i went. the most difficult thing i did to that point in my life. knowing u are fucking up and not standing up for what u want and to go ahead and do it any way for the sake of someone putting out a little money? was my life worth so little even back then? i was on the road to misery and bad decisions at such a young age. things didn't go too bad til my son was born. then the beatings started with him also. being thrown across the laudry room and smothered with pillows and not being allowed to eat UNTIL he was finished and then i was allowed (no shit). the first spouse did this too and i could never figure it out then either. were they afraid a 110 lb woman would eat too much? god, they were pathetic. the worst time with jim was when he got angry with me for something and i grabbed the baby and took off down the hallway to protect us and he threw a huge bouey knife at me and missed my head by inches. there it was stuck in the wall right beside my head still moving as i just went to the floor with my son. i left shortly after that.
awwwwwwwwww.............the current spouse (soon to be ex). he was exceptional at first. small town guy and small town girl. couldn't make me feel good about my self as much as he tried at first. i had been told i was a piece of shit for soooooooooooo long it just bounced right off me and still does. didn't drink, didn't smoke and was sooooooo attentive to me. god, he was almost perfect. had three beautiful daughters and he was still a great man. adopted my son as his own and was a father of the year for sure. what happened to this man? alchohol was introduced to him and he started drinking and the family unit became his ball and chain. first it was just words. name calling and screaming at me. i still think emotional abuse is worse than physical. hurts a hell of a lot worse, doesn't heal like the bruises do. stays with u forever no matter how much u try to forget. i was a worthless piece of shit. the house was too clean, not clean enough. i was too skinny, not skinny enough. dinner wasn't on the table on time or too early or not what he wanted or i didn't do this or that. after a while the words just weren't enough i guess and he started pushing and shoving into walls and furniture. and then the first punch came. it came out of the blue and i was so not prepared for it. knocked me out for a few minutes. when i came out of it my head was cut from where i fell and my glasses cut my eye and broke. now i really got it bc now i needed new glasses. it was like a rippling effect. there was never going to be an end to it til i was dead. i took it for years and one day i just came back and said the next time would be his last bc one of us was going out in a bodybag. he started on the kids. u know me.........DON'T FUCK WITH MY KIDS! i got into his face again and dared him to touch one hair on their heads and i'd literally kill him. he stopped and proceeded on me again. someone tell me please why can't i stand up for karen like that? why didn't i just leave? why do i seem to think i deserve so much less? WHY? WHY? WHY? my whole life is full of whys and what ifs !
it is a mystery as old as time. why do we go to bat for others and take the shit ourselves? what does that say about me? how pathetic is that?
which brings me to date here on thoughts.com. now u know the rest of the story.............. (as paul harvey says so elequently). i think if one more thing happens to me i'll just go over the edge. i really do. when people say god gives us no more than we can handle, i say BULLSHIT. god is pushing the envelope here with me. he really needs to find another passtime hobby other than fucking with me and my life. i realize that i make my own choices. i know that. i am solely responsible for the decisions i make. but somewhere in there god has to be. he has to be floating around there somewhere. doesn't he? someone tell me i'm not just flopping around this world screwing up with no one watching out for me at all. just what does he do up there? when does he finally step in and say "enough is enough" and perform some miracle? i deserve something here. i need something here. i was told when i'm at the end of my rope to tie a knot in it and hang on. but what do u do when there is nothing to tie a knot in anymore? when it's barely a thread of a rope? mine is a single thread anymore. there is nothing there at all. mine is all but gone and to say i am scared is not even close to what i am actually feeling inside. i am terrified beyond belief. i am scared what others can and might do to me. i am scared about what the future holds for me. will i be alone for the rest of my life? will i be slapped, kicked, beaten again? when i see a man anymore, any man, the first thing i think (LITERALLY THE FIRST THING) is that "i bet he can hit hard" or "i wonder how many times hes hit a woman". is that sick or what? how do i change that mindset? it is branded into my brain. it been seared into the very essence of who karen is. i am a piece of shit. i am a whore. i am a bad person. THESE ARE THE THINGS I BELIEVE. not the sweet things i hear on this site or from tink at work. i sound off here but they are words with no backbone. i would just wither away if anything else happened to me at this point and each day i wake up i pray to this god that he keeps bad things at bay. keep me protected from the evil of the world for a while at least. let me catch my breath. let me just relax for a while. let me just breathe in the safety of where i am now and enjoy my hopes for the future for a little while please. no more bad patches ! give me one little break here! give me a chance to be happy before u give me another hurdle to jump. deal or no deal god? peace and harmony