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This a true story. Names have been changed to protect the participants. lol :)
--PREFACE--
Some families have strong willed kids who excell at annoying all the family in various ways. This is the true story of how a common family pet drew together a teenage daughter and mother, at the horribly laughable expense of the 'familious grummpupicus' the other (twin) teen daughter. Here she is affectionatly referred to as "Grumpus"
Early one morning, one of two sisters, got up a bit early for school. Wearing old fashioned footed one peice sleepers, she padded her way down the hall to the bathroom. Nothing unusual, didn't turn on the light in the hall or the bath, didn't need to. She then padded her way back to her room and just sort of sat and sogged a bit to fully wake up.
Soon the mother roused up and she also "slipperd" her way through the hall shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, and into the kitchen. Brewed coffee & still no lights were turned on.
The sister in the big red onesy padded up the hall again to the bathroom to turn on the electric curlers. No light other than a very small night light was on as yet. She padded ...scuffy, scuffy ,scuffy, back up the hallway the short distance to her room.
The Mother goes out side grabs the paper and comes back in, slippers pattering up the hall to check on the sleepy teen. Coffe smelled so good.
The sister who is awake gets dressed and now wearing hard shoes goes up the hallway again. pitter, patter, pitter, patter, pitter patter pit. Uses two of the electric curlers, quick brushes her hair, puts the curlers back leaving them on for the other sibling. Mother calls quietly from the living room where she is adoring her coffe and paper. Small lamp now on... picture window blinds drawn back allow a dim bit of the street lamp to put the living room in a soft predawn rosie gray. "Is your sister awake she asks ?" I'll check in a minute the teen replied gotta' take the dog out before she has an accident"...loving family pet is forced off the bed and out side into the relatively cold morning, it being late fall. Resentful old fat dog, sometimes called Eva Gabor for her front hair that resembled the Green Acres actress' tresses' goes outside reluctanly. The Sister, who we will call "Jill" sits on the rocking love seat pondering the wisdom of wearing white shoes to school even though the shoes match the other clothes. This is rare for her to pull off a nice out fit and shoes. The mother in a hopeful voice compliments the out fit and wisely asks "are you sure you wan to wear your 'white' shoes?" Then........They hear it!
Whump..... the other sister also known as ""Grumpus"" is up. They hear the thud, thudder, thud, of her petulant walk as she comes from the far back of the house where she practices being a hermit, and sleeps. How any body weighing only 100 Lbs can sound like a pachyderm when they walk is something to ponder. Uh some time when you are bored oK? Right now please try to focus on the story, the good part starts in a minute.
Now unlike most mornings Grumpus did not stop to pour herself coffee first nor did she plop herself on the couch. As usual though, she is treading heavily. (the impact tremors are increased now) Having departed from her routine, she continues striaght to the front of the hallway. For reasons unknown, she walks to the other sister's room mumbles something and goes back up the hall. thud, thudder, thud. Previously awake sister Jill, lets desperate dog back into the house. Mother and other daughter sit in the semi-darkness of the house enjoying their last moment of peacefulness together and loving it...... it's not a thing that happened a lot for them back then. It was so very extra nice....little did they know they were about to share the jewel in the crown of desperate..... Well all that in a minute. First: ..... Grumpus thuds back from Jills' room. Remeber, Jill's the awake and dressed sister. (there are only two sisters in the story, just given different titles ) the next thing to be heard was...... a tiny little voice small and meek and concerned. "ewww whats that?" There are no lights on yet only the tiny night light in the front bathroom, it's not much bigger than a Christmas light and it's dimmer. Mothers' reading lamp in the living room is on but it cannot shed it's light beyond where it is angled for mom to read the paper. The dawn is barely breaking. Next was heard an unusual, funny shuffle of feet. Then dead silence,... And then the distinct click of the bathroom switch. Located on the out side wall of the BR at the head of the hallway this was an eye friendly low watt light source. As stated, a distinct click was head and then...A one second pause,..... and then,....the unsavory capitualtion of Grumpus voice in hidious terror.
"AHHHHHAAHAHAHAHHHHHGH!" (Charlie Brown style) "" IT"S......... DOG DOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>>>>>>>>>deep gag>>>>>> and it's SQUISHING... BE-TWEEN ...MY... TOES........!!!
The terror and horror in her voice have alerted the mother and daughter to the dilemma but great spasims of muffled laughter and wonderfully ironic humor have them paralyzed.
Grumpus, and Grumpus, alone was the most negative, groggy, grumpy, horrible not a morning kind of person, in the whole family and maybe the whole state for that matter,... And no one it seems had tried hard enough to honor the morning mood of Grumpus enough to ever appease her.
Mother and daughter are both laughing because Grumpus is certainly awake NOW and having no trouble communicating.....Grumpus, had some how snagged the dog doo that was dead center and at the end of the hallway on the dogs favorite throw rug. Obviously now to Jill and Mother, it had already been "to late" when Jill had pushed "Family Pet Old Fat Doggy" out the door a bit earlier.
Mother and daughter had both trod repetedly up and down the same hallway several times that morning. Completly evading the naughty dogs deposit.
Grumpus. who is cursed with an overly sensitive olfacotry organ, (her nose is touchy to smellzzzz) was ironically the worst person in the family, including cousins aunts and uncles, to endure such a calamity. Now Grumpus continues speaking or rather croaking out some words...."Oh oh help me somebody help me it's (more gag gag garoophing sound effects can be heard) "Jillllllll!!! I need help." Jill and mother have sucumbered to still stronger muffled laughter.
Suddenly in a bold moment, this story switches to first person narrative.
Yes it's me, My mother and MY sister. We, Mom and myself, think we must tripping the local eartquake sizemographs we are hitting the arms of the chairs so hard. Grumpas pleads again, "WILL Some...Body PLeese bring me a paper towel or something????" Jill, (Me) is now in spasms of laughter so tightly silent the tears have begun, rolling down my cheeks never before have I laughed so hard. And mom is too. But mother motions and manges to request.... "jjj ill'( heh heh heh ) can you help her??? More ferocious gagging can be heard and now it sounds very...likely to erupt into something I know, that me and me alone really will have to clean up. Grumpas would never be able to clean up after herself if she threw-up. Holding my hand between my legs for bladder control.. .still laughing and all bent over, I grab up some towels from the roll in the kitchen and with them in one hand use the other hand to drag Grumpas towards the bath tub. Grumpas yells " IT"S not "(raalpha slobbering) "It's NOT funny YOU...( pullahh )... guys Hel pmeee (Blarhhph)"" I some how manage to get the offended foot under the tub faucet. Now Grumpas is teetering in an unbalanced jig on one foot. Flailing one hand around, she is holding an old really old favorite but so ugly, bathrobe shut with her free arm. Grumpas feels secure when she olds her robes tightly about her.....BUT she happens to wearing THE road kill ugly, "Frenchs' Mustard' yellow, robe! We have all been begging her to burn it since grade school. To add insult to injury I notice the robe is the same color as the inside layer of the problem that is sticking to her foot. I holler to mom is an incredulas voice . ""Mom she's wearing that ""yellow""" bathrobe. Renewed peals of deep laughter issue forth from Mom who is still in the living room trapped in the motion of her wildy creaking rocker as she laughs uncontollably. ""Ok"" I manage to squeak out to Grumpas.... ""just hold your foot here"",......Mua ahhhhhh ahhhha haw ahhwa I'll never know it was accomplished I can hardly breath I am laughing so hard. ""I'll clean....the tub later."" I say. There is more ugly gagging, wailing and pitiful sounds from Grumpas and then a high pitched whining wail ." "NOOOOoooo0000oo..... I need he' he' help Jill". ""Be quiet and hold your nose" I blurted out as I rolled and laughed, and laughed and snicked, while bent over trying to keep that hysterical girls foot under the torrent of water from the faucet in the tub. "NOOO0000oooo.... NOO -oo-ooo she wailes saying "then the smell will BE IN my M O U T H !! ( ""ruuuulpha gagg a gagga)..... Mother is now in unadulterated party game style, horse laughter. She was famous for this and we all loved to hear it. Grumpus,... beloved and eternal Grumpus, has now almost gotten enough dog dew off her foot to resume her usual morning charm....almost :) ;P Jill (me) staggers back to the rocking love seat leaving Grumpus to gag and deal with the now greatly almost clean lessor ""doggy dewed'' foot. Grumpus is now spitting useless orders at us to; "stop laughing, it not's not (gag gag) funny"" (Oh my in a thousand years it will still be funniest thing ever. THAT girl that morning)
Mother and daughter are now pointing fingers arms out stretched, now laughing at ourselves. We are both wiping tears and each time we can manage to look at each other we both start up again, laughing and rocking. We are each in rocking furniture making it harder and funnier to control the now outrageous level of already uncontrolable shrieking, tear producing laughter. Mind you now we are actually still attempting to suppress this laughter and not completly be insensitive and humiliate Grumpus. We cannot control ourselves however, Ane we find we are simultaniously having silent full body shaking laughter and still pounding fists on the arms of our apparently very sturdy furniture. The last words we could clearly heard from Grumpas.....were "Jill??? She spoke in a meeker more controled voice, will you wash the tub out for me so I can take a shower??? "" Mom and I look at each other again and here I think we are almost unconscience. Then A little more loudly we hear a deep huff and an intake of breath. And then still more loudly. she asks... ""Jill? Do you have any perfume ???? Is it ok if I put deoderant on my foot?" That did it! Mom ran to her bathroom, and I unable to stop laughing or get into the other bathroom where my sister was still dealing with her foot....WET MY PANTS. Purly from the strain of all the laughter. I certainly missed the bus, that morning! When my pants were changed. I was still in the grip of heart palptating laughter I elected to ride my bike to school hoping it would work off the energy. Actually I tore out of that house as fast as humanly possible. Grumpas? She finally talked mom into driving her to school (a little late, and a lot mad). Mom, who was still ultra amused and could be seen chuckling, behind the wheel of the car, managed to stay on the road. It was way past sunrise now.
Later I gave the fat beloved family dog extra treats....for giving us, mother and daughter, an unforgetable hour of bonding. "Eva Gabor" by the way is the name she was given in the Canine Witness Protection and Reloction Program. My Mother then asked me in an oddly inquisitive voice ."What are you doing Jill?"" ""Giving the dog treats, I replied starting to giggle. Oh,... Ok... said mother, who suddenly clapped her hand over her mouth, snickering. ... I ALREADY DID THAT TOO! mom blurted!" The laughter started all over again.
It was hours before we could coherently speak to tell dad why there was still comet in the bath tub and urine stained white hip huggers in his bathroom sink. Grumpas?? Reportedly spent two days in her room. She still debates this fact. But the proof is in her abscense to defend herself most of that night and the following evening. Thirty five years later she finally no longer yells in as much fury if the story comes up. Once in a while she even smiles a little too. Once in a while.... heh heh heh. |
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Posted by lampoil on 2008-04-25 06:19:24 | Rating: | Views: 119
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That was so funny. I am still imagining it..As I too am a heavy one on my feet.....
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Posted by Hollis
on 2008-04-25 07:37:35
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My whole family still cracks up and my mom and I never bonded until then as opposite as we are. I mean yeah we loved each other....always did :) but you know....teens are hard to deal with. SO glad you enjoyed it!!!
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Posted by lampoil
on 2008-04-25 08:36:06
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