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sorry its been so long

hey every1 sorry its been so long since ilast wrote in my blog, but ive been really busy..... between trying to find a job, and and over cotrolling mother tht looks over my shoulder and reads everything i write on the computer... but luckily im over my cousins house to night, i swear my aunt isa total god sent, she saved me, like tonight n ewsays from a night of constant fighting with my mom, or as i like to call her now my warden... i mena i cant like go n e were with out her knowing exactly were i am and wat im doing... its totally driving my crazy,i mean shes like totally trying toi take over my life, shes basically forbidden me from blogging on this site n e more, along with myspace and aim and the thing tht was most precious to me, my cellphone.... i mean god, i want my goddame life back, i mean i cant even stay on the phone with 1 of my friends longer then 10 mins..... i mean its been almost 6 months since i was admitted to the partial hostpitalization program, and i didnt evwen try to kill my self, i mean yeah i had a plan n everything, but i wasnt going to go through wit it,but she made me go there n e ways... and let me tell u it was awful, but n e ways coming back to the topic at hand, my warden basically decides wat i can eat, wat i can do all day and who i can hang around with, this is the first time in i think bout 2 months tht i was actually able to go on my myspace without getting yelled at for it, im tired of feeeling like a prisioner in my own mind.... i long to be free, were i had a life and i was happy, when my mom didnt constant check up on me..... shes always asking me this same ? "Are u ok?" i swear one of these days when she asks me tht im gonna snap, i hearit atleast 12 times a day if not more, isnt it ridiculous?and i mean they started sending me to this thearpist, n mean shes nice and all, but i just cant talk to her.... she gave me a journal i'd say 8-9 months ago, before the whole partial thing took place, and said "i want you to write you most personal, most inner thoughts, i'll talk to your mom and tell her not to read it" well i guess curistiy got the better of my mom/warden, cuz1 day i left the journal at home in 1 of my desk drawers, and she found it and she read it, and at the time i was cutting myself and doing alot of other things im not proud of, and well thts whern she freaked.....she took me to the e.r. and told them i was suicidail when really i wasnt i mean i had thought bout it, even talked bout it a few times in my journal but i never hada definet plan u no? n lately shes been asking ?'s like " how r u feeling 2day?" or " have u started cutting your self again?" or "do u feel like cutting yourself?" i mean wat kind of mom does tht? shes like done a total 360 of how she used to be towards me..... she has become so mean, i like dont even no her n e more.... she critisizes me on just bout n e thing i do nowadays,i mean god i even cameout of the closet and told her i was bi, and u wanna no wat she said? she said "no ur not, i dont believe u, ur just saying tht to get attetion." i mean come on? i was being dead serious with her and she says i was lying? how messed up is tht? i mean my dads cool with it, he really doesnt care wat i do these days... to be honest i think the reason y my mom is being such a bitch is becausefor once its not all about her, im starting to grow upand dont need her n e more and shejust squeeses on to me tighter, but watshe doesnt realise is tht the more she does tht the more im gonna fight to get farther away from her..... i mean i pratically begged m aunt to adopt me, she thought i was joking around when really i was beeinf serious, im done with my moms bullshit, i swear i know this is mean to say and all, but it seems like to me my mom/the warden makes up a new illness
i mean good you could freaking open up a drug store wioth all the pain meds my moms got perscribed to her,i mean i nocuzshes sick and alll ishould be nice to her but iswear she makesup a new illness like evey 6 months to like get attetion.... i mean shes already got like 12 differnt illness supposedly going on at once, im sosick of her making me feel guilty bout fight with her, she usually pulls the becuase im sick card, well tht aint gonna be an excuss for me n e more.... its time i take a stand, and take back my life, i mean for crying out loud im almost 17 years old and she wont let me even get my permit..... shes says its justan excuss to kill myself... yeah right, it would be so i could get awayfrom her more like it, i swear i cant be out of her sight for more then 24 hours..... n i mean god shes put me on this awful diet, the food is horrible and usually after each of wat she calls a portion sized meal, im usually still hungry.... im so sick of this i mean yeah i wanted to loose some weight but i mean shes raken away like all juke food all together, its the myspaceand other stuff all over again... im gonna do it n e weays, thts 1 of the things i love about my aunts house, she nevers tells me i cant have a cookie,and her food actually has taste and fills me up, i thinks thts how ive been surviving this summer, is thanks to my aunt.... u no i just noticed how much i written and wow i had alot to say, but the thing is im still not done yet...... have to update u in the relationship area, ok had my first girlfriend we started dating 2 weeks ago and if u wanna get technical yesterday we broke up..... it was amy the same girl tht i had my first real experience with a gurl, yes the same gurl tht my ex jeremy dumped me because of...... oand by the way JEREMY BROKE UP WITH HIS GURLFRIEND! andu wanna no sumtin really funny bout tht? he actually asked my advice on how to break up with this gurl in a nice way.... i mean hello, there is no niceway to break up with sum1....but now i no i should be sad but at this moment when i found tht out i was beaming, yea i no he hurt a gurls feelings and all but i mean whenever id talk to himn he'd tell me how miserable he was in tht new relationship, plus im kinda glad to see the chick go cuz she was threatening to kick my ass if she found out i was the reason y they broke up, but honestly icant control wat he does can i? god she was threatened by the fact tht i actually tried to stay friends with him after we broke up, and to be totally honest i think ths wat im gonna stay with himn for right now ....... i mean i really do apperciate all of your guys advice bout wat to do with him..... and to be honest i kindof have a new crush... his name is hunter, he has long blond hair, like a skater boy, blueish-green eyes,a surfers body, he just moved to my neighborhood, hes originally from califonia.... and boy o boy i have to say tht boy is mucho calienta hot... i mean i meet him when walking my dog shadow, and he was walking his dog jack..... i swear even my dog shadow is in love..... but ill dish more later... im mad tired now.... its like almost 5 in the morning, i think its finally time for bed, although idk, i mean i have both jeremy and hunter on my mind, and i havent taken my sleep relaxent pill in like 4 days now... so im like wide awake, i know the sleeping pills supposed to help and all but imso drowse like all day and theres nothing i can do about it..... well n e ways more later in the day if i dont go home to were the warden is or it depends if i actually ever get to sleep tonight or wats left of it... talks to u guys later... peace... Lissa