To be a Republican you need to believe:
1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton
2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
Daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad
guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade
with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies,
then
demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance companies
have the best interests of the public at heart.
10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.
11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.
12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet .
13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for
your recovery.
15. Supporting 'Executive Privilege' for every Republican ever born, who
will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest,
but
what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.
17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for
wearing
orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
If you don't send this to at least 10 other people, we're likely to be
stuck with more Republicans in '08.
Friends don't let friends vote Republican.
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