Things people say as a formality rarely get the response I long to give.  To prove my point I'll detail  what is said by a stranger, what I wish was said in response and the real response.

Stranger: How's the weather out there?
Wished Response:  What are you friggin' blind?  Look out the damn window, if it looks cold-that's because it is cold.
Real response:  It's a bit cold.

Stranger:  How are you doing today?
Wished Response: Why the F*ck do you care?
Real Response:  Fine, and you?  (even though I really couldn't care less what comes out of your mouth)

Stranger: And do you have any children?
Wished Response:  No, why are you some kind of damn pedophile?
Real Response: No, you?  (again, you guessed it, I really don't care)

Stranger:  Is there something I can help you with today?
Wished Response:  Um, yeah, you could do your job instead of sitting and talking with your buddy while I just spent X amount of time looking for (insert any hardware item).
Real Response: Um, do you know where (insert hardware item) is?  Oh, thank you so much!

Those were some of my better thoughts.  But then I figured I should really share the actual responses I gave exactly as I wanted to give them.  Read on...

When catching a boyfriend in the sack with another chick:
Him:  It was an accident
Me:  What, you slipped and your dick fell into her?  I guess I'm not quite sure how that works.

Leaving a party w/out my date because he dumped me for another chick there:
Him:  Do you want us to give you a ride home?
Me:  No, that's ok, I'm just going to find a skank of my own to go home with tonight.

During a performance review the boss gave me extra praise over everything and after he told me how much my raise would be, it went something like this:
Him:  I wanted to give you more money, but, uh, well, you know...
Me:  *Raised eyebrows* No, I don't know, I guess you'll have to explain it to me.
Him:  Well if I give you anymore money I'm going to be cutting into my own pocket to pay you.
Me:  What do you need more, that pocket or me?

And as a special tribute to my office BFF Mandie, my favorite line spoken by her to a scum sucker we both knew.............drum roll please............."You only care about two things.  Having a cold drink in your hand and a warm place to put your dick!"  Rock on girl, rock on.

Until then, watch (or don't) what you say.  Cheers.