I think the world has lied to me. It told me a would be a good and beautiful wife. A better person. I don't feel like a better person. I feel like I've failed. I look at my beautiful husband and wonder if he is as disappointed in me as I am. I can't make myself become something I am not, but sometimes I wish I could stop being who I am. I want to be reinvented into something, someone who is better than this.
Brushing my teeth this morning I saw his ring. Not on his hand, on the shelf. Two weeks in and already I feel forgotten. How can he possibly love me when I can't love myself? Not now, not like this. Now the flood gates have opened.
I've kept my mouth shut, and my fingers off the keyboard until now, hoping that this would pass. This doubt that I can't even name. What is that? Why is it haunting me? When will it leave? I wish the world would have warned me of this instead of breathing empty promises onto my pillow every night. Night time now is just a series of tossings and turnings. Where can I go from here?
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