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I dreamt of my father again last night. The man I'll never really know. For years now he has been a shell of the man that once existed. How does a person plunge that far into drugs? Don't get me wrong, I've done my share as well-with him no less-but a time comes to grow up. He has never embraced that moment.
I dreamt I was standing near his hollow grave with my sister and three brothers (I swear there are more of us out there) and I couldn't cry. I didn't want to and just plain couldn't. How can you grieve the death of something that only causes you pain?
I wish I knew him. I wish I could say he is a great man, but that would be a lie. He is a user, a psychic vampire who feeds off your energy, a drug addict and a liar. This will sound horrible but it is honest-it would be easier on me and my siblings for him to die, than it is to watch him live this way.
I wish I had a kind word to say-but I don't even have a kind memory to speak of after twenty-six years. Pretty pathetic. Pretty sad. The part of me where father/daughter memories should be is empty and always will be. He does not even know I am getting married next year. My grandfather is giving me away during the ceremony.
Needless to say I awoke on the wrong side of the bed today. And now I am crying. Not for him, but for what I was robbed of. All the memories and moments I will never have.
"Fathers be good to your daughters..."
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Posted by ladiegodiva on 2007-12-18 12:27:03 | Rating: | Views: 109
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I know you love them, I see it and I have never even met you. I do not worry about your girls one bit because I know they have you now and always. It does not take money or nice things to prove your love, it takes something you cannot see-and you have that. Don't ever let it go. :)
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Posted by ladiegodiva
on 2007-12-18 12:35:23
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aww...ladie, I am soooo sorry, you have certainly turned out well, despite it all...I hope you can make your own family and maybe that can help to fill that void...*hugs*
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Posted by Rajah1116
on 2007-12-18 12:55:11
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I know sort of what you speak. My father wasn't a user - other than pot. But he chose to be away from home a lot. Too much. The song by Reba "The Greatest Man I Never Knew" was my song to my father - I told him that once and he cried. Most of my memories from my childhood are with my sisters and I, or my mom involved - seldom to I have any that are with my father.
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Posted by Whitters
on 2007-12-18 13:38:18
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I totally know where you are coming from, as you know. I was robbed of all my happy memories just by him saying "Well, she's not my biological daughter". Nice. & then his using of drugs & alcohol & the s**t he has pulled with my siblings. I would not cry for mine either...
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Posted by Mandie142
on 2007-12-19 23:15:12
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