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While doing my hair this morning, I put on my father's CD as I do when I am missing him. As if I ever really knew him. It occurred to me that perhaps if I were to right a letter saying all the things that need to be said, I could possibly find some peace within myself and this mess we are in.
So, if I were to right a letter to him, this is what I would say:
Dear Dad:
I know it's been weeks since we talked, months since we've seen each other and years since either of us really knew who the other was. The fact remains that despite the lies, despite the alcohol, despite the drugs...I have always loved you and always will. No matter what you do or what you have done, there is always going to be a piece of me that cherishes your exsistence.
I am getting married soon. Maybe you've heard, maybe you haven't. I'm sorry I have felt like I couldn't tell you that. Grandpa S. is walking me down the "aisle" and giving me away, because quite honestly he has earned that and has been the only real father figure I have ever known. But it would mean the world to me if for one day, that day, you could not do the drugs or drink the alcohol-if you could instead sing for me, sing for us and for the life I am choosing.
I hear you on the radio and I cry. I cry because you have never been what I wanted you to be, and I only ever wanted to make you proud. I've tried so hard to mean more to you than the lifestyle you live. Even when that meant living the lifestyle with you. Every day I wake up wondering if this is the day I will get the phone call telling me that you are gone. I know it can be fun, I know it makes the pain go away, I know it makes you feel like superman-but the fact of the matter is, it is so dangerous. And I am dreading that phone call that will surely come if you continue on as you are. I wish you could love you as much as I do.
All my love: LG
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As an after thought to this, please don't judge him because you do not know him. Please don't tell me to not care, because that is impossible. And if for some reason you want to hear his music, google "Andy LaBarge music" .
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Posted by ladiegodiva on 2008-04-18 15:00:34 | Rating: | Views: 107
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This brought tears to my eyes. I wish parents knew how important they are to us. I hope that your dad realizes that he has a fantastic daughter with a heart bigger than ever. I hope he makes his peace with you before it's too late.
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Posted by Whitters
on 2008-04-18 16:00:08
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Thanks Whit, that means a lot.
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Posted by ladiegodiva
on 2008-04-18 16:04:10
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something'll kick in..
hug
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Posted by Sober
on 2008-04-18 20:04:00
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Never lose hope my friend , and continue to reach out someday your ship will come sailing and Dad will come home.
Chet ( Barbados)
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Posted by SoulUnderConstruc...
on 2008-04-19 06:46:06
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I hope everything works out with him. I'm sorry he causes you pain.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-04-21 10:00:11
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Somewhere inside of the chaos that causes addiction, and usage of mood elevators..there is a window...Perfect letter, perfect honesty can make it through that window...I know all to well. Don't lose hope...and don't live inside of the pain. The person elevated is not the same person who loves you.
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Posted by BitterSweetNy
on 2008-04-21 16:05:45
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What a heartfelt letter to your dad! I hope you will feel to go ahead and give it to him. There is always hope! I will be praying for you AND your dad!
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I wish you much happiness! :)
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Posted by Alice
on 2008-04-24 06:27:17
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