Last night I found myself in that place where dreams are so real, so true, so distinct. But that place was distorted by fevers and real life blending with the not so real.
I was dreaming that it was my wedding day again. And I was at Aaron's mom's getting ready when someone told me he was not coming. He couldn't do it. So my heart was broken and I went outside (now we're at my grandparents and it is winter) and I walked out into this field and onto this bridge (in my dress) and it was dark outside. And cold. And I layed down on this bridge and just thought...."how could he do this to me?" My mom came out and got me to come in. And in true dream fashion, Aaron shows up and says he's changed his mind and he's ready...but now we are down south somewhere with Mandie and some guy and we have to drive back to Wisconsin.
The whole ride I keep thinking "this isn't right-I don't want to do this". I tried to talk to Mandie but couldn't-she didn't get it. And it was like Aaron wasn't really Aaron, but I had been kidnapped and was being forced to do this. And Mandie was more helping keep an eye on me than anything else. I was freaking out but trying to act calm, so I said we should stop in Kentucky and see Tony Ray. I kept trying to call him-but he wouldn't answer. So we looked it up on the Garmin and just showed up. He didn't look too impressed, but I didn't know what else to do.
Everytime I had the chance I'd walk by him and say really quietly "I need to talk to you". But he kept avoiding me. Finally, when it was time to go, I was crying and just said in front of everyone-"I'm not going. I'm staying here." Then I looked at Tony Ray, tears streaming down my face and pitiful and said "Please, can I stay here?"
Just weird. Just horrible, empty, helpless feelings. Thrown from heart breaking to complete lonliness and helplessness.
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