Thoughts.com

Life has a way of turning itself around.  I've spent some time reflecting on everything.....hindsight really is 20/20.  At least now, finally, I know where am going.  What I want to achieve.  Big dreams for such a small wallet, but my mind is made up and I'll get there.  I have faith that I'll end up exactly where I am supposed to be.

I was such a mess....I'm still a mess, but that's just me, at least now it is contained.  I'm not the physical/mental mess that I was.  I'm not stranded on some far away beach (although I do miss the company that I had there)...and the agates.  Someday I'll go back, on my terms. 

I am just extremely happy where I've landed.  On my feet.  With the one man I could never push out of my thoughts.  Surrounded by my family.  Working at a job that I love.  Finding myself all over again.  I like what I am now.  Who I am.  I have a sense of identity that I've never felt before.

On to other random thoughts.  I miss Joe.  Talking to him.  He understands me on a level that very few people do.  I crave that connection. 

I miss my cabin.  My grandparents up there.  Maybe next month.

How long is it going to take me to get my bills paid off?

Is he really going to come through on my biggest dream?  Little feet on a hardwood floor.....I am embracing the hope that he will.  I talk to God about it every day.  It is my mind all day every day.  The feeling of longing and jealously that sets in when I see a pregnant woman........and I wonder.......will my belly ever hold a life?  I pray that it does.

Beyond that, I just go with the ebb and flow of life.  Ups and downs.  Surprises and disappointments.  Miracles and hoplessness.  But I smile.  I am happy.  I am safe.  I am HOME.

I keep thinking about where I've been.  Retracing my footsteps in my mind.  I can't say I like who I was, for awhile, but I'm pretty happy with who I've become.  But the reels of memories keep repeating themselves.  Everything people put me through.  Everything I put myself through.  Everything I put others through.  How does a person make peace with that?  Just when I think I have, it creeps back in.  An infestation in my mind that just won't go away.

I guess I've just been really putting my life in perspective.  Adding up what I've done and what I still want to do.  I'm beginning to settle.  Getting ready to start nesting.  I dream of a house in the country, no longer of running through open fields with no ties to anything~I've already been there and it wasn't so great.  I close my eyes and hear tiny footsteps on hardwood floors.  There is my dream...a home, a baby with Mike, playing with the horses.  Just being happy.

And then those memories flood in and I wonder if I deserve that kind of happiness.  Does all that mess make me a bad person still?  Am I forever tainted in sin?  It's easier to beg forgivness than to forgive myself.  I try.  I am generally content.  But I am still, and it seems forever, working on letting it all go.

So many experiences jammed into a life hardly lived.  I don't know how to sort it out sometimes.  Why does it have to haunt me?  I think it boils down to how much I crave that home and family~and I fear God will decide I am not worthy.

It's been awhile...again.  Seems to be becoming a habit.  It's a strange turn from being so centered in this online world to being so centered in this physical one.  My main excuse?  Work.

These past few months working with K. (Autisitic 10 yr. old) have been a gift I had not anticipated receiving.  He is...amazing.  He is coming along with his therapy fairly well, we are making good progress.  But, there is so much in those eyes of his that when he locks them on mine, as he does so often, it's like he pours into me and I into him.  I see so much of his soul...and I am beginning to see how he sees things.  A very different spin than our straight to the point, move on to the next attitude. 

He is learning that boundaries are something I enforce, a tantrum results in a time-out, not a prize and that 'naughty' is a bad thing to hear.  But, he understands.  Something so many people dismiss as possible with him.  He knows so much more than people think.  We have our good days, our bad days and our in-between.  One thing is certain...he has become the center of my world. 

As for his great-grandma J. (Alzheimer's/Dementia), she has been having very good days lately.  However, it does nothing to comfort me or her daughter, D.  It's far too common for them to come around so alert and well before they take that leap to the other side.

And the other side is plainly there, waiting for her.  Watching over K.  We have a TV monitor in his room so we can keep an eye on him as he plays.  Trust me when I say, this is not the only life we get.  Everyone who enters that house eventually sees 'something or someone' walk by on the monitor or right in front of you.  Voices come through from seemingly nowhere, talking about how it it okay now~they (J. and K.) can rest, it will all be alright.  It is quite comforting to just feel it.  But to hear it and sometimes see it....well, that is just precious.

My bond with D. has become extremely strong and grounded.  I honestly can't imagine my life without this family, because in some twist of fate, they have become a part of mine.  And that is my everyday update for you.

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My Dearest Joe,

My heart goes so solidly out to you.  You know you were there, you know where he has gone and you know that you will see him again.  This is only a temporary parting.  I love you kid.  Always have and always will.  If there is ever ANYTHING I can do~well, you know where I am going with this.  Do not mourn the loss of him.  Celebrate the essence of him going home.  And take comfort in knowing that he will always be right there, watching, cheering you on, offering unseen love....stay strong my friend and....please just pray (for me).  ;)

Love,

LG

I have been contemplating whether or not I even wanted to blog 'this'.  'This' being how I am thinking and feeling at the moment.  Mainly out of concern for those who read me and also deal with me in the real world.  I don't want to hurt any feelings or step on any toes, cause concern to others or raise doubt in their minds.  When I have something I feel I need to express to you I will, but here....well, I just need to express it to get it out of my head.  That said, just remember:  these are thoughts from my head, feelings from my soul.  Things I don't want to and shouldn't have to explain, I've only come to vent them out as they arise.  If it's going to be an issue, please don't read any further.

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How does life get so boring?  This is not where I saw myself being.  I have many fewer adventures under my belt than I had anticipated and a LOT less plans for more than I care to admit.  I am not content today.  I want MORE.  Just more.  More money, more opportunities, more fun, just more.  I feel like my life is just a row of dominos.......each domino another day.  Maybe slight variations from one to another, but overall, exactly the same.  Sometimes I sleep just to break the monotony.

I don't care what's on TV.  I don't care what anyones Facebook status is.  I'm tired of technology.  I don't want to be confined to these (or any) four walls.  And yet, I want four walls of my own.  How does that make any sense?  Maybe I don't make any sense.

Privacy.  What is that?  I leave my phone away from me when I sleep because I want to be left alone.  Apparently that is a no-no.  Those words: "You really need to start taking that to bed with you".....sigh.  Society expects I have that damned thing super glued to my ass at all times.  Most of the time I'd like to chuck it in a river.  I really don't like being that accessible.  The only real privacy a person has anymore is going to the bathroom, and even that is a far cry from a guarantee.

It's things like these that make me question why I'm here.  Here being alive in general.  I don't think I was cut out for this world.  Or it wasn't cut out for me.  Either way, we are not on the same page.  I like to be content, but I hate the monotony.  I like knowing in general what I am waking up to-you know, where I am, that i am safe, etc.  But I don't want to lay in bed and already know the specifics of what is going on in the room next to me.  Or what I'll be walking out to.  Or walking in on when I get where I need to go.  Does that make any sense?  I get irritated by the pattern, it's so....specific.  Not even the slightest color changes in the cloth that is my life sometimes.  At least not on a day to day level.  It really irritates me. 

And this place is nice.  But it can be so small.  Even with just two people in it.  There is nowhere to go when you are angry.  Or when you just want to be alone.  And why do people have to fight like children?  Get all huffy and start flinging things around.  Incapable of listening or talking rationally.  Why is it so hard to just take a breath, assess the situation like an adult and ask yourself "is this one thing going to have any impact on my life whatsoever in five years?" before exploding like a hot dog someone forgot in the microwave?  The drama.  I hate the drama.  Go ahead and get mad at me.  But don't act out about it.  It makes me trust you less every time.  I know I am not innocent.  But neither are you.  And I don't want any part in pointing fingers and seeing who can yell the loudest.  It's tacky and not my style.

Hmpf.  Can you tell there have been a few things happening in my life?  I just get so bogged down by it all.  And still it seems I am everyone else's support group, but who is mine?  Everyone is biased.  Sometimes, I don't need that.  I wonder if I am the only one who ever wishes they could just step out of their lives for a moment....take a vacation from it?  Or am I the only one willing to admit it?

None of this is to say I am unhappy or dissatisfied.  These are fleeting things.  All the contents of these paragraphs.  But when I get really tired (as in emotionally and mentally drained), all these thoughts surface.  Does that mean that they are insignificant?  Or that they are the deep down of what I feel and think?  I don't know.  I'm just trying to sort through them.  And own up to what makes up all that encompasses me.

That is a scary truth.  What's really on the inside.  I can't be the only one in the world who thinks this way and feels these things sometimes.  Maybe I just pay more attention.  There is an entire undercurrent to being alive that no one ever talks about.  No one prepares you for.  And this is it, isn't it?  All these scary, uncomfortable little things.  The empty feelings and haunting memories.  I can't keep it all in, I'd rather let it all spill out in a mess at my feet.  At least then I know what I am dealing with and not left wondering what is behind closed doors.

Tonight finds me avoiding going to bed.  I am tired, yes.  But I don't want to give in and let this Saturday end.  It's just been so peaceful.  So quiet.  So boringly perfect.  I've done nothing but shower, play games, nap, eat and hang out with Mike.  And now I am surrounded by the silence that confirms this day is done.  Just me and the silence.  No talking, no breathing, just my fingers striking these plastic keys.

Not to mention that I am waiting for that last little, half of a cigarette, as I have been for...hmmm....about 7 hours.  It's true.  On the 17th of January I started on what was supposed to be my big success at quitting.  Mmhhhmm.  I lasted 10 days, on the patch.  Then it was just one puff.  Then it was a couple more days and this whole work thing came crashing down around me.  Well, isn't that just lovely.  Look where I sit now?  Still wearing this patch, wondering if it is doing anything other than itching.  I have gum in my purse that still flavors my mouth.  AND I am dying to run outside, grab that lonely half laying in the ashtray and light it on fire.

Waiting.   And still waiting.  Why?  Because I don't hear Mike snoring yet.  No, it's no secret....though I like to pretend it is because I feel guilty as hell. He has done such a great job quitting.  Poster child for cold turkey, he is.  And then there's me, practicly drowning in medical nicotine but still craving the smoke and chemicals.  Pathetic.  Ah well, I may be dragging a foot, but at least I'm still basically on the wagon.  Right?