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Right now, i just feel like i can't go on, that the whole world is running against me. They look so happy, i should be happy for them. I try so hard to be, but i can only do so much. Life would have been so different for me. Through and through i keep telling myself i've made the right decisions. Then, in retrospect, i look back and almost regret those decisions. What would life be like? That was supposed to be me.
He still talks to me in a way that i know he still remembers and thinks about what we had. Isn't that what i wanted? Why do i have to be so greedy? We are friends now, what more do i want from this? It's just hard sometimes. She is so undeserving and we could have been so much more. You know, she almost looks like me too.
Really, i shouldn't even be complaining. Everything i have worked for since then i have worked so so hard for and i've made sure i got it. Last year in University had a 92% average. This year i have an 89% average for my first semester. I was never the smart girl. My friends voted me "least likely to go to college". Maybe i just have this drive that tells me to prove everyone wrong. He thought i would never leave him, no matter how shitty he treated me, and he took me for granted. I proved him wrong and left him. No one thought i would go out and be the smart girl, yet, here i am. Second year in, at least 3 more to go. See??? I can do this.
I know that her life is not the life i want. Still, i find myself here time and time again getting upset about this all. He is going to be a great dad. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at his newborn baby girl, he is so happy, and she is his life now. I don't know how to absorb this all and it has been so long, you think i would have gotten it right by now and i would know how to deal with this all. I guess everyone has their own demons and this one is mine.
No one would really know that i get upset about these things, not anyone. I don't let my weak side show to many people. A couple nights ago, i broke down when i was talking to Dyllon. He is the best person i know. He is so forgiving and kind... he is my best friend. And i think i am falling for him. Look at me here!!! I can't fall for him, i'm not ready for love again, i don't want that again! Love almost always leads to heartache and i don't want to have to deal with that in this lifetime again. Maybe later on in the future if things keep going well, i could eventually let my guard down. I'm just not at that point in my life right now. The funny thing about it all is that i know Dyllon would never break my heart. Instead, i broke his. How could i be so careless? And throughout it all, he is still standing by me. I don't even really see him as a real guy, because he isn't. He is so kind and i do not understand him at all. He is so caring... and not just to me, but to everyone. You just don't see that much around anymore. He is a great guy. If i ever had to marry someone right now and stay married forever, i would pick him without a doubt. I just see that with him. I'm just not ready for that. We're too young. He is 9 months younger than me, and i just feel like he needs to experience a few things before he decides what he really wants.
God this is so stupid. I shouldn't even be talking like this, i probably don't even know what love is. At least i hope that wasn't the best of love. No doubt, i loved Travis, but i hope that what i've experienced is nowhere near the best years of my life.
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Posted by lackofcolor on 2008-01-13 02:37:24 | Rating: | Views: 71
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first two paragraphs: I know exactly what you mean. I just thought about this today with someone I know that is now happily married and has a new born.
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Posted by Jeshikan
on 2008-01-13 03:01:54
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