Its an accepted part of life that many families experience problems. Perhaps disagreements over boundaries, clashes of attitudes or maybe past actions that just can't be left there. I don't know how other families work, I'll say that upfront. More so because mine started off in a more unusal situation.

My grandmother has come to stay with us. It's an infrequent occurrence, since my mother's side of the family live on the other side of the globe. She's a lovely person, very gentle and extremely generous and so small and fragile, I doubt she could hurt a fly if she wanted to. Given the circumstances it shouldn't be surprising to know that I've only really met her a few times in my life, during vacations when we fly over. Not speaking a word of english makes it hard for her to communicate with most of my family, my mother and I are the most able to talk to her in her own tongue, but heres the thing. Lately I have been avoiding her, and I feel terrible about it.

I'll be honest, I'm not a small girl. I have a little more meat on my bones than you might consider adequate. But I will protest if anyone should think that I am obscenely huge. And in any case I am willing to bet I'm more aware of my condition than any onlooker. I guess from those statements alone you can tell this is a touchy subject with me, and it makes no difference who or how it is brought up either in conversation or considered it relevant in anything. *breathe*

Well, this is my explanation. It's not a conscious thing, but I think the reason that I avoid my gran is because she makes me feel ashamed of what I look like. Sounds strange, I know but hear me out. I'd noticed time and time before that whenever she sees me, either after years of not seeing me or now in the home, if I come to say "hi" or "dinner's ready", she looks me up and down. Call me paranoid, but it also feels like she's looking down on me when she does so. It is fact that she thinks I ought to slim down, she has no problem commenting on it now and again, but I can accept that - I agree with it. I won't, however be forced to feel uncomfortable in my own home. So inevitably I've started to avoid spending time with her, especially alone, and even when I do I can't make eye contact - I think because I don't want to know if she's judging me again.

I know its terrible, and I should just be mature and get over my own insecurities. In many ways, I have no excuse really. Or in the very least I should attempt to talk to her directly about the way she makes me feel, but I don't feel comfortable enough with her to approach this kind of problem. To make that approach less enticing, she's also losing her hearing and tends to hear what she wants to hear to make up for it, which is often far from the truth.

Gah.