Now, at the end of this day, I feel like I acted like a prat.

Sure, I'm tired and this affects my judgement, but I just can't shake the feeling that I was stupid today - the things I said, did, how I came across to acquaintances, friends, anyone. Why?

The truth is, I'm not sure. I moaned a lot today - after a sports sesh yesterday I've been left achy and sore.. and a foot problem I've had for a while now is particularly irritating me.. I did a couple of stupid things today, including admitting not having signed up for an assignment which I now can't do and eating a toastie too late on in the evening making it hard for me to sleep - I know. These aren't particularly stupid or embarrassing, but you know how it is. Some things just replay themselves in your minds eye and u can't help but cringe, or feel the urge to slap yourself for not being more smooth.

Who knows why I feel this way today. A lot of the time I tend to get down because I'm lacking sleep. I guess this applies today, I could use a few more hours kip. Or perhaps the persistent aching is making me grumpy or more critical than usual. Who knows.

You'd think I'd think about going to sleep then since at 12.27am it'd be a pretty good idea.. WELL. I did try, an hour ago, but all the issues of the day and how I was feeling and other general worries kept me awake. By no means an infrequent occurrence. I wonder, do many people have the same problem I do at getting to sleep? Unless I'm especially tired physically, it can take me a good hour to finally drift off to sleep, often more. I've tried having the radio on quietly to little effect, counting sheep, reading, even herbal sleeping aids.... no good. It seems there are just too many pressing problems floating around my head. Even thinking a good nights sleep might help solve some of these issues wasn't effective.

The human body may have evolved to an incredible, intricate and ingenious machine, but I think it would benefit massively from one more feature. I think the conscious and subconscious ought to be more integrated. If there was some way for my common sense and my body and organs to interract... that would solve a good load of problems. Like.. overeating - a more dramatic response to sufficient food might reduce intake.. and sleep - u know u need it, so if I could somehow force my brain to shut down.. and I'm sure theres a whole load of other things that'd be so much easier if we'd just evolve already.

Lol. I guess I'm just frustrated that for the humble human that I am, there are few easy solutions to life's obstacles. If only I would force my mind to accept that. Seems like no matter how true I know that statement to be, I still hope inside that things will one day "click" into place.

One thing I notice about myself and others is.. it doesn't take much to switch moods, does it? One moment I could be feeling blue, and after a good sports sesh I'll be feeling satisfied. Or I'll be feeling super confident about starting a new class, only to spy someone that intimidates me in one way or another and I'll instantaneously be feeling pretty hopeless. I realise that the first example is due to endorphins and other biological and psychological reasons, but the fact remains that... I am fickle. because very little takes place between those emotions. Its like having a gun with a feather for a trigger. Anything could set that one off. What concerns me is... does that make me fragile?

I hate to admit this, but I am terrified of the future. Although I know I ought to be preparing myself for the beginnings of a lifelong career and maybe even actively seeking employment for after graduation, but I just can't accept it yet. I can't accept the fact that I'm getting old and I need to take these responsibilities. I feel uninformed and useless. I feel stupid.

Can I change those feelings? How? What can I do to fire up the motivation I used to have back in High School? I once heard the statement that the end of a book must be more important than the beginning, else nobody would read it. Isn't that the same with life? I need to progress, else it's not worth the time. Unless I realise why I do what I do, what I want to gain from it and where I want to go... it's going to be very hard to continue.

I don't want to give up.