two days before christmas, and my mouth is still swollen. if i can't eat real food, i think i might as well shoot someone. i guess worse comes to worst, i can eat mashed potatoes and gravy and cranberry sauce and stuff like that. thats a plus i suppose.  but i want turkey :(

you ever just randomly feel scared? like life is spinning out of control and theres nothing you can do about it? i hate that feeling. i hate not being in control of your own life... what DO you have if you don't have that? nothing. you're just a hapless puppet in the game, waiting for your time on stage. pity isn't it? i'm scared mostly of wasting life. i try really hard to appreciate it, but i forget to an awful lot.  

i used to be so carefree and laugh at control freaks like me. what happened? couldn't say, but whatever it is i wish i could reverse it. i hate worrying about every little thing. i used to reserve stress for events of actual importance, but now i stress about everything. could it be that everything just seems more important? i suppose thats a matter of personal opinion and is therefore relative, but to me everything is of some importance.

i'm in the midst of building my foundation for the rest of my life. i pay bills, i'm building my credit. i go to school, i'm building my career. i socialize (on occasion) i'm building my social network. everything i do seems to be important. and i don't have time for inimportant things anymore, and i don't have enough time for things that i need that are important- like exercise. that's a bad thing to cut out of your life... it really is.  

i don't even do much anymore. i had school, but not again for about a month. i work part time. i visit family a lot, and see some friends. i always say that i want to go out and volunteer again, but it would be months before i even got a project and i have to apply for one of those seminar things. did you know you can't just go out and help people here in san diego? you have to be 'trained.' i also dropped softball, which i miss a lot a lot. but there is a community park less than a block away where i see people playing softball there all the time. i'm thinking about asking them if i can play. :) so juvenile, i miss my elementary years... and then my yoga... psh. SO haven't been on top of that at all.

i suppose as much as i disgust myself, i'm glad i am me and not someone else.

peace, catch ya's later