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soon-to-be mother-in-law help!!!!

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ok, a little history before i get to the point. my boyfriend and i have been together for two years now, and we were best friends for three years before we even got together. ever since we became good friends, his mom has wanted us to be an item. we went to a prom together, and hung out all of the time, but we never made it official. we each got our own boyfriend/girlfriend's, lasted a little over a year, broke up with them, got new ones, and soon broke up again. well, eventually i was really wondering what it would be like for us to be an item. so ignoring the fact that i could be throwing the best friendship i ever had into a rut, i made a move for us to be together. lucky for us it worked out and we've never been happier!!!

alright, now we're up to date. jake and i are now looking at houses, and we've actually found one we plan on buying. but here's the thing ... his parents are going to be 2324729384728937% against us living together before we are married. they got married two weeks out of high school, so they really didn't have to deal with being out of school for a while and living apart. but that really isn't my style. his mom is a HUGE cryer ... and they enjoy making jake feel guilty for any small thing.

they love that we're together ... but anymore, i can feel them resenting me.

dad's family started up a family business twelve years ago, and it still has yet to make them any money. my dad on the other hand, is very successful and makes at least 6 figures a year. he has come to terms with the fact that jake and i eventually want to get married, so like any dad, he wants to make sure that the man marrying his daughter has a good job and can support a family, and fact of the matter is, if he would take over the famiy business, there's no way it could happen. so jake started working for my dad instead, and ever since, his family has been absolutely horrible to him. he's tried to talk to them on so many different occasions, but they are so hardheaded and so judgemental, that they now hate my dad for it and they resent me (even though they would never admit it) and they treat jake like some kind of traitor or outcast. they make him pay for everything, even sharing the internet ... so jake figures, if he's paying for it, why not make it count, get out of his house, etc. there are 11 people living in a small house he lives in, because he has two aunts and their families that can't support themselves for who knows what reason. their whole family is pratically broke.

regardless i love him to pieces. but his parents and i, i feel, are going to have a HUGE head to head combat here whenver we tell them that he's moving out. it's going to be ugly. i was brought up to take care of myself, stand on my two feet, and not take shit from anybody, and i plan to follow through with those upbringings forever. poor jake though ... all that he's ever wanted is his family's approval. he is a mama's boy, but he's got a good head on his shoulders, and if it comes down to pleasing his mom, or standing on his own to two feet and doing what he's got to do to make it, his mom is going to be sadly disappointed. what i don't get about his family, is that aren't the parents supposed to be happy for their kid and support them?? especially if they are in a promising career???

i always thought so, and that's how my family has always been towards me. i have an amazing support system at home. but his family acts like if they can't make money, then no one can, that it's some competition about who can make more between them and their kids. that if they didn't succeed, then neither can their kids.

i just think its wrong....

and i'm serious, i've bit my tongue for two years .... but someday, what i feel about them is all going to come flooding out. i've warned jake about it happening ... that i would do my ultimate best to avoid it at all costs and to keep my mouth shut, but at some point ... too much is too much....

so my question is ... how can i avoid making his family hate me, yet tell them that they are being total jerks to their son??? i've tried talking nicely, and it doesn't even come close to working....

Posted by ksubam06 on 2008-09-29 14:06:39 | Rating:

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You may never get to tell them, Jake is the one that will have to step up. Its a noble thing that he took the job with you dad to better his and your life and stopped attempting to make his family happy. Do they expect him to stay in that house forever with them? Honestly you keep on living your life with Jake and they can figure it out.

It makes no sense to me that they do not want him to live his life and be happy. If I had a son that got a great job and had a great girl, I would be so happy!!!

Hang in there

Posted by Maura77 on 2008-09-29 14:34:13

awww hun u r in a tight knot have u told him ur stress level bout the whole thing maybe he can make u feel better but all i can do is feel bad and all u can do is mope and that is obviously not helpin

Posted by madatyou92 on 2008-09-29 18:10:47

jake's being awesome, and he knows he is going to leave no matter what. if it was up to his mom and his family, they would add on another section to the house and have us move in there, they've actually suggested it, but i've told em no, flatout.

his mom is actually really irritated we aren't married already. but we aren't ready for that either .... it'll happen when it happens. her reason is that if we know we are going to be together, why does it matter?? i can kind of see her side, but i've always said i'm graduating college before i'm married, and i plan to stick to that.

i just wish his family was more supportive of him. he actually loves being around my family, because they ask how things are going, they show interest in what he's interested in, and they support him, and his own family doesn't even do a portion of that much. i'm glad my family is there for him, he needs more support than just from me, though i give him all i have .... but i just wish his family cared like i do.

they're being so selfish, and it really makes me mad, because it hurts him so bad... all he ever wants is to make them proud of him.... and they refuse to let him. i just really really really want to shake them and yell and scream and say " WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!?!?!"

Posted by ksubam06 on 2008-09-29 22:38:11

This is a really touch subject. I don't know if you want to hear this but it's his job to tell them because it's his family. The only thing you can do is be there to support him when he does. Truly his family should be happy for him but if they are not he has to fight his battles. It sucks and I know I would have a hard time keeping my mouth shut but I would probably keep my distance from the family for a while until it blows over. Good luck with whatever you do.

Posted by prelude2it on 2008-10-09 12:22:51

yea. we are thinking that we want to tell them like out to lunch or something. therefore the other 9 members of his household aren't butting in, they have a less likely chance of yelling and more of a chance of keeping their cool and hearing us out. i am just going to let him break the ice .... let him tell them we got a house. from there, if he needs my input, he'll let me know...

Posted by ksubam06 on 2008-10-14 12:27:22