Thoughts.com Blogs

View Blog

why me?

So im sitting in my room, wondering why on earth am i so fat?? i know i could be much much worse but i could also be much much better too. im about 144 lbs ish, and i would like to be 120, thats 24 lbs to lose.
I fluctuate so much though that its hard to keep up, i mean i could wake up one morning and be 139 but the next i could be back up to 144 again, and that only by eating a salad and fruit all day.
I eat sooo healthily, i think its bad, but im just getting to the stage where im thinking, wait, im eating rabbit food and GAINING weight, so i might as well just not eat at all.
some days, its really easy and others its really hard. My main weakness is not having motivation there, all the time. Im fine for about 2 days not eating if i have had a really long conversation with some ana girls when i start the fast but then if i dont keep in contact then i lose confidence and slowly slip back to eating again. i mean today ive had half a mango, an apple, a plate of chips, a chewy bar, 3 mouthfuls of chicken tikka pasta, a couple of nuts, and a spoonful of rice. I think that is a horrific amount of food to have in one day, for others though thats almost nothing. the worst part is the chips, that was my weakest moment of today, i could have said no to it, but i said yes anyway and ate the whole plate. it was with mushy peas too, bleh. i take diet pills, twice the amount of what im supposed too, i know it might have an effect on my body, but i dont care, as long as im slim. I dont want to look emiciated though, i dont think its a good look, id love to have a luingerie (cant spell soz) models figure, there is still some curves there but beautiful ones and shes slim at the same time.
My main points of losing weight would pretty much everywhere, i think im all fat, i have 34 E breast which i believe are waaaaay too big for me and they stick out like a sore thumb, yeah of course really fat people can get away with them, but im only fat, not obese.
i have a bad back because of them, i tried running once to exercise, but all i got was taunts of laughter from random old men driving white vans.
Im just sick of being so fat, and i love this journal cause its like a kinda of release, i can write stuff that maybe one day someone will read and i may regret writing some of this stuff but it is what im thinking at this point in time and it will be interesting to look at in the future.
hopefully i will eventually reach my goal, I almost did october last year when i managed to get down to 128 lbs, howvere i somehow slipped back and when my birthday came and i was 130-135lbs ish my scales broke so i couldnt keep track of my weight and without its guidance i slipped more and more fatty foods thinking it wasnt affecting me, and then came along easter too, and when i managed to buy some new scales i tiopped the scales at 151 lbs, i was horrified, i had gained 21-16 lbs in just over 2 months. what a horrible failiure i am, so now im in this constant struggle with myself to go back down to what i was and what i was so uncomfortable with, i dont think i will ever be comfortable with my own body but i guess i will just have to bite my lip and bear it for abit longer till i reach my ultimate goal, i just want to be thin thin thin, why not? nobody should have their right of beign thin taken away from them, however if they want it they will ahev to work for it, thats why i hate the thin people who abuse their body with fatty foods just because they can and stay thin, they dont deserve to be thin at all. you should work for it like the rest of us, the battle is long and hard but it will all be worth it when you walk along the beack in that skimpy bikini and people will look and stare and wish that they looked like you.
I can wait for that day.