March 4th

I feel a loss.


Even though everything is ok.

Even though I'm smiling.

Even though I'm in control

There is always something missing.


Take my pain. My struggle. the thousand things that live with me and have no name. My pain is absolute. Undefined. Unknowable. Silent. Hidden.

a little too carefully.

not even I can find it anymore.


I cannot blame anyone for this. Be angry at an object or person. The road to acceptance is paved with the questions of impossibility. Life. It isn't a failure. Its just a single truth that I live with alone.


This is the kind of pain that will always linger. In anger. And I will spend the rest of my life moving it around, cutting it carefully into manageable pieces. Pieces of my life that once made me whole.

light and love and joy will fill my life. And I will remember how it can all go away so fast. So fast and with a finality that thunders and tears away at me.