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and so it ocurred to me today that I don't really know Matt that well. I mean, I'd overlooked that fact until now becaue I'd gotten so carried away with my feelings. Oh, lust. I just want this new thrilling relationship to be all that I've been missing and spending so much time on new clothes and the daily play by play that I forgot this isn't about that. The time I've spent alone with him talking is limited. Something I absolutely long to do. It's been more about the lust part, but always careful not to overstep the pre-arranged limits. But talking about important things besides work and school apparently has been on my mind more than his. Or maybe its just my rollercoaster girl brain, again. Thing is, I'm never quite sure when relationship "things" are real problems or just hallucinations. God forbid I overstep a boundary, his or mine. I want to ask him about Ruth, (his past, my roommate) and then I start thinking about Stephen, and how familiar he is. No, I don't want him back. Its just that Matt and the wall around him makes me crave a more familiar place. I thought matt was familliar. Turns out he can be just as foreign as anyone else. And to think how long I've been carrying around these buried feelings. He said something that caught me off guard, and now I wish I'd said something more direct. Oh, how I second guess. And now all I have is that familiar pain in my gut that I've let myself get hurt again. And nothing has really happened yet. And what the hell do I say about it all anyway? That I need him to define something that he's made clear is just his way of taking things slow. Oh hell, I don't know what I believe anymore. I just need a little peace and harmony. I wonder if it will ever happen. |
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Posted by krista on 2008-03-08 06:46:15 | Rating: | Views: 56
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